Monday, December 26, 2016

Boxing Day Special

Weight loss progress so far: Very satisfactory
Current weight: 92.7kg

This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.

The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking.  My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.

In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am...  sigh

I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...

Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim..  the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him...  that is..  until the demons return.

So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times...  those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons.  Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts..  just waiting for me to let my guard down..  I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.


Tuesday, November 15, 2016

200 Pounds Beauty...just like ME!!!!

Weight: 96.8

I think I have found my brand new idol...  watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.

Angel....angel.... Annnngggeelllll.....


Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Update for November 2016

Weight: 97.3kg

Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.

Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.

Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg.  It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month..  literally.  I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace..  I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.

I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives..  let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.

Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round.  Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)

I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?..  just a thought..


Sunday, September 11, 2016

11 September 2016

Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.

This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack.   While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me..  my hands and feet felt cold.

I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts.  The last time I felt like this was many...  many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central...  I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said..  boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.

My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :)   Things don't usually turn out the way we planned..  sigh

I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years..  I am going to be alone..  again.   22 years.  Sigh.

I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.

I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around.  For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids.  They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.

I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.

I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?

I was suicidal a while back..  that is not to say I don't feel that way now..  I still do, but that urge is coming less often now..  except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark......  especially when its dark.  Thoughts start going through my head..  that is when I know I have to busy myself with something..  make myself tired..  cannot think.. sleep..  tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare..  then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.

*Crying again...

Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.

Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it.  We can never have them back...  only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.

Its been a long time...  its been a long journey. I am tired.  Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich..  I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away.  They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.

The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves.  Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.

I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own..  make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family..  even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.

Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed..  which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her..  lol. Funny yet sad at the same time.   I need to shop for a sofa...  I need to shop for internet wifi...  I need a tv...

*crying again...  sigh..


Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Support is now needed more than ever!

I need help! Seriously.


Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.

Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.

On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply.  I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.

I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.

I set up this page:

Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money..  how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol..  now that would be a thought.

Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years....   sigh.

We'll see... we'll see.

Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness.  Until then...


Wednesday, August 31, 2016

New Journey Begins

This entry is not about weight, health nor achievement.

This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.

I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.

I am single again.

After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4..  I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.

No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done...  all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.

Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them.  Be brave.  Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.

Time for a new chapter.

Here we go.

 *wry smile.


Thursday, July 14, 2016

9th Day of Rest

Weight: 101.4kg
(almost there....)

On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:

Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!

Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime.  However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.

Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.

WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)

SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)

My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty.  We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey..  and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.

I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.

If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai? 

I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt. 

My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind..  but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now..  just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.

I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised.  You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence.  It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.

We often missed out on the most important lesson..  it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.

Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?

I digress...

When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.

It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?

4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai..  but it turns out my leg had other ideas...  sigh.  So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts....  siiigghhh...


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

8 Long Days of Rest

Weight: 101.8kg

Condition: Tired, Stomach cramps, muscle aches, dehydrated

On the 1st day (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

An old injury involving my right calf. It seized up during my warmup on Tuesday after I was looking forward to a hard workout so I can rest on the following Wednesday which was Hari Raya New Year day...  but, to my dismay I have to pull out of muay thai class almost 5 mins into warmups. Sigh..  the problems of being old with injuries.

On the 2nd day (Wednesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

More signs of muscle fatigue as I continue to stretch my workout muscles in my calf in preparation that I return to fitness and training the following day or maybe even Friday..  but no lor. Sigh..  It is cold and sore.. a sign of over-training. It must have been the Sunday I went hiking with Lauren over 12.3km from our home in Joo Chiat all the way to East Coast then from there to Stadium. It was quite a walk but I loved every minute of it.  It would have been even better if the entire family could have done it together.. soon I hope :) Fingers crossed.

On the 3rd day (Thursday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Same trouble with the leg so no training but I gave it a good workout in terms of stretching (v. important) and of course food intake.. yumms. Did my usual workout with my upper body and abs..  hope it will compensate for my lack of cardio.Sigh.. always happens during my crucial stages whereby I need to up my game.

On the 4th day (Friday) of Rest my body gave to me:

My two kids down with stomach flu. In fact Lauren already kena yesterday but I had to bring her to the doctor and got turned away because it was just past consultation hours..  (Bad daddy.. Badddd daddy).

My youngest one followed suit with bouts of throwing up and tummy aches as well..  no choice.. DOCTORS AT A&E KK Hospital for Children. Sigh..  4.5 hours of wait.. in the end everyone was exhausted..  Luckily nothing big just lots of medicine for everyone~!~

On the 5th day (Saturday) of Rest my body gave to me:

A nice rest day with Pam and kids as we were both up till 6am this morning due to KK's A&E visit. My body is recovering nicely and hopefully Sunday would be a good day to kick start my new routine :)

On the 6th day (Sunday) of Rest my body gave to me:

A fever, stomach cramps and body aches. Sigh. I guess all that late nights, stress and visiting places with germs finally caught up with me and Pam. We both fell ill and Pam got the worst of it by having fever on top of everything else. Guess today's run is off and err..  Monday is a sick day liao?..

On the 7th day (Monday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Yeps! I was right :( Body aches all over. Grrrr..  Rule of thumb I don't train on the day I feel under the weather and the following day as well, due to cardio concerns. I have see, heard, witnessed too many cases where people who are unwell pushed too hard and well, fit as they are..  I am alive and they are not. God rests their souls. :(  Some of them are my friends. :((((

Pam had a really bad fever spike this evening after her SGH class then Zumba class.. she pushed too hard. This wife of mine is a workaholic. Love her la.  Almost had a heart attack when we found her shivering and spiking a 40 degree temp. Rushed with the entire family down to SGH A&E.. and after almost 6 hours there..  (the girls gave up waiting after 4 hours..  well done kids!) we all arrived safely home and Pam is duly rested.

I managed to convince Pam to rest and closed the studio for 2 days under the reason of quarantine. I do not want to spread the this virus to the rest of the people working out here. Unless I want a pending lawsuit...  better safe than sorry. Right?

On the 8th day of (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Here I am typing into my blog for the record of all the past 8 days of so called rests and eventful events plus a lot of exciting happenings which did not make it to this blog..  Hopefully it will never make it here...  but you never know!  Everyone seems rested.. the fever have all but subsided..  I managed to sweat it out this morning and resumed my weights training..  hopefully I make it through tomorrow without any incident AND then maybe I can finally resume my exercise and training regime.  Oh and I also happened to meet Sensei Mark Wang. He is a legend in the circle of karate.  I will blog about him at a later date about how he influenced my karate training.

9th day (Wednesday) of Rest calls......


Tuesday, July 5, 2016

A quick look back at karate

Hi hi,

I was just surfing the web this morning when I stumbled across and old article I did for Men's Health Singapore.

I was surprised it is still there..  lol.

Speaking of karate...

One of my clubs which I belong to..used to be the ONLY club.. Shitoryu Karate Association, is falling apart.. in my opinion.  Not by any fault of its own, but by the powers that be.

I guess I was not surprised that the "mighty" SKA eventually will fall because of politics. We used to field the best karate-kas locally and in the region, however, as with all things... pride comes before a fall.

I still remember the first time I heard of karate. It was at a bookstore in Bras Basah where I chanced upon this book...
I remembered I was so intrigued by what I read inside I bought it even though I had to spend my week's allowance on it (I was in secondary 2 at that time and I didn't really have much money).

I was fat.. oh dear.. real fat. I guess I have always been big due to my family. I looked at the book and there were step by step illustration of this sequence of karate moves called kata. WOW. I thought.. after learning this, I now know karate. Somehow, unknown to me, this was to become a lifelong love for the art of karate. I guess if I had picked up a book on Muay Thai or Judo, I would have chosen those arts?..  Nah

When I was in primary 6 in 1983, heh, I remembered there was a TV serial about judo. And there was a craze amongst my primary schoolmates (St. Anthony Boys' School) about judo. Everyone would be challenging each other with judo moves.  There was these 2 kids in particular I want to single out in my blog now who gave me a hard time and bullied me into submission overtime we would "horseplay" around during, before and in-betweeen class times. Lyndon Chow, he was a tall lanky fellow whose mother was one of the teachers in the same school, we called her Mrs Angela Chow. This guy would wrestle me to the ground and pin me down and make me say I give up. I would ALWAYS refuse and tried my best to get up... well, you guessed it, I would always be "mopping" the dirty classroom floor.. and once I even tore my school uniform so badly, I had to hide it by leaning back into my chair the whole time during school until dismissal, lucky it was the last period..  I think.. :)

The other boy.. I forgot his name, but lets call him X. But he was slightly bigger than me, (well back in primary school, EVERYBODY was bigger than me). He would always brag he was the better judo player than I ever will be and can never beat him, and to prove that, he would constantly challenge me to impromptu judo matches... at the assembly yard, during recess.. and once during PE lesson... but it was always in front of a crowd..  maybe that was what he craved (shrug).   I would lose.. and lose horribly because I want to win, but I have no idea how to "judo" and hence get toss around like a rag doll by my bigger "friends".  Sigh.

My dad was a judoka 3rd dan, I remembered, and when I asked him for advice on how to improve my game, he laughed and ignored me. I remember telling myself back then (it was to become one my life mottos), never to depend on anyone else to improve yourself, no one will be in your corner if you don't have a chance of winning, who wants to be on a losing team?

Anyway, back then I couldn't go out by myself, so library was out of the question. I was in a primary school, so the school library did not have any material on judo. The internet was not invented back then. By some coincidence, I happen to catch a very interesting episode of that judo TV serial I was mentioning about earlier.  I remembered watching it intently for the entire episode. Little did I know back then, this was one of my life talents.. the gift of photographic memory for martial arts. Weird right? Of all the things in the world to possess.. well at least its one of the quirky gifts god gave me.. I will take it!

Back to the judo TV serial..  I practiced on my sister... I practiced on my smelly bolster... I practiced by pillars... I practiced by myself...  and practiced and practiced... hard. I told myself I never want to be humiliated by others again just because I cannot protect myself. Anyway, before you know it..  I had to study hard for my PSLE and judo was at the back of my mind..  but in the meantime, I continued getting bullied in school..  sigh

After I got posted to St Josephs Institution, I remembered it was day 3 or 4..  in my new secondary school..  I thought.. wow new school, new start! One morning, right in the middle of the school yard where the whole school was gathered before assembly, I saw X.  I remember him coming over and started calling me names almost immediately. Grrrrr. I can still remember that arrogant face.. smiling and grinning, making fun of my size and gloating over the fact he would trash me overtime he saw me. He started to poke me in the chest and challenged me to... you guessed it.. judo. Sigh. This time I was ready..  and to make it interesting, he got his new friends to gather around and told them I was the one he used as target practice for his new love judo.

-Long story Cut Short-

I trashed him. Ooooh how I trashed him. I threw him into the drain, I threw him amongst the trash bins nearby, I pinned him to the asphalt ground and made him call uncle...all these in front of his new friends. SATISFACTION. I still remembered his eyes. *smile

The bonus came immediate after..  I remember I was leaving the scene of "carnage" where the kids were all gathered to gawk at that bleeding X with his white uniform all roughed up and brown and dirty...  2 bigger boys came running after me.  I was thinking.. uh-oh, X's new seniors are coming to take revenge..  SIGH.   One of the said, "Oei!" I felt like disappearing into thin air, seriously, that is how I feel always right before someone bullies me.   HOWEVER....

The other boy said they have seen what I did in the school yard, and was wondering if I would like to join SJI's Judo Club?  OMG!!!  I should have said yes back then.. but I guess I was just glad they were not there to beat me up.. I just talked them hastily I would think about it and ran off. Ahhh.. sweet!!

-Cut to present day-

Shitoryu Karate Association. The present day karate politics is killing the martial art. It is killing my desire to attend any classes... not that I need to attend classes.. I conduct classes.. heh heh. But still, I would have loved to see more karatekas in Singapore.  MMA is taking this tiny island by storm. Not that its not good, its just that I have a passion for karate.  SKA being booted out from the NSA is already bad enough to stifle young talents not to mention any chance of representing Singapore in any international competitions, but now we have 2 major organisations. I am not going to discuss politics here but all I have to say is what happened to the principles of being a karateka...


I was taught to bow towards these principles for 28 years. Surely it must mean something.


Friday, July 1, 2016

Short short Update

Weight: 105.4kg

Just wanted to blog in and record my progress. My waist has shrunk from 48" to 42.5" from April as of today (thats 2 months). Weight has went from 121.6kg at my heaviest to current weight.

So let's see, 5.5 inches off my flabs and 16.2kg gone. 2 months. Nice. I am charting myself and comparing to my training and exercise progress from 2008. Looks comparable at the moment. That means I am on way back to myself FINALLY.

After years of depression, hopefully I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am promising myself NEVER to go back. EVER.  Bye bye 110+..  bye bye 3 digit weight. Say hellllloooo abs again.. sigh.

Today I did a really good 1 hour work out at Evolve followed by another good run in the evening with my daughter then some conditioning weights back at the studio. Nope not tired at all.


With this progress, I know I can do it. I am on my way back. This time I am loaded with Karate, Judo, Muay Thai and Brazilian Ju-Jitsu.

Kekeke.....   KEKEKEKE....  (cue lightning and thunder...) KEKEKEKEKEK!!!


Saturday, June 18, 2016

More time to myself

Weight: 106.9kg

Its been like 3 weeks to the day I started my diet change and workouts. The changes to my body is nice. Not only am I constantly dropping weight, I am also dropping inches off my waistline.

Every week, I would retire some clothes and take out the smaller sizes which couldn't fit just months before.  First, its a nice feeling, second, at least my wardrobe is changing lol.

Stamina, strength and flexibility is up..  not yet back to my usual self, but I feel we are almost there. For one thing, I KNOW my speed is back up..  which will lead to more explosiveness, more strength and definitely lead to more speed. Ahhh.. that is a good feeling.

In the beginning, I guess no one gave me a second glance at Evolve as I began my Muay Thai training as a level 1 beginner. 3 weeks later, yesterday at training, I got this suspicious feeling I was being quietly observed by the trainers. (For what? I don't know..  but I definitely got their attention)

Ever since my mother passed away, Pamela has been wanting more time to herself and her friends, my kids are all grown up. They want to be independent. My youngest one seems frustrated I am tagging along to her ballet lessons... my eldest one would like more time to go out on her own.

Sigh. Nobody needs me around anymore.

For almost 24 years, I have build my activities and life around my family. I keep thinking that if my kids would leave the fold sooner or later (I hope later..  but argh), I would still have my wife by my side. But boy was I wrong, now everybody has their own lives to live. And I am getting depressed.

Well, depressed and happy. Oxymoron. At least I have time now to go back to training for myself. My favouritest outfit in the entire universe... my karate gi. I have finally shrunk back to a size where I can wear it comfortably again. Not to mention my kuro obi. THE belt which is 22 years old :)

Once I think I look more like my former self in my go, I will post another picture of it here.  Unless depression gets the better of me and I kinda die. Then you will still see me in my gi, except it will be in a casket.  Yeah.. I hope my wife remembers that I specifically ask to be cremated in my karate gi.

Ex-wife, ex-kids, all these are no longer important. What matters is how to move on from here.

We shall see.

...we shall see


Thursday, June 9, 2016

Working Out Everyday :P

Weight: 108.5kg

Waist: Down

Strength: Up

Stamina: Up

Energy Level: Up

Ahhhhh Enough said. :P


Friday, June 3, 2016


Weight: 109.8kg

First and foremost I would like to state..  never in my life would I ever want to see 110+ kg again.

Next target is double digit weight. We shall see. :P

Anyhoo... I have finally caved in and evolved. When I say evolved, I mean every sense of the word. Evolve Mix Martial Arts Academy is the place where I am pursuing my next level of martial skills. First I am going to continue my training in Muay Thai and then either I continue my Judo training or perhaps hop on the Brazilian Ju-Jitsu wagon. I know I know.. its late in the day for me to hop on, but at least I am not entirely missing out on the train.

My stand up game is so far ok, with Karate and now Muay Thai.. my ground game however, leaves a lot to be desired.  Judo being the only martial arts I know and not very good at that, I will be supplementing it with BJJ I suppose. However, I do have a few doubts, which I have to face before I can fully commit to training.

Evolve, Shinyuu Kai Karate dojo, Shitoryu Karate Association and Singapore Judo Club. Of course, how I can I forget Rawai Muay Thai, Khao Lak. :) Ahh the memories...  So far these are the 5 places I have been to and will go and continue my martial education.

Before I get carried away and blog too much banter and no real info. I will just stop here to make sure my blog gets on record of my progress back to fitness and upgrading of my skill sets.

Till next time :P


Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Sawadee Krap!!

Weight: 112kg

Hello from sunny and often humid Thailand!

My fellow trainees and I have gotten to calling this place "The Constant Land of the 

Why? Because we are always sweating..   really..  constantly sweating. We sweat when we train, when we eat, when we walk, even in the cool evenings, when we train, we walk, we eat...  you get the general idea. Lol.

First things first, I did say Sawadee Krap to you at the start of the post didn't I?  So I was being polite. Well, beautiful people of Thailand are almost always polite. Everywhere we go, we get a smile back in return. Really! I love it here.  Well, maybe its because us farangs (foreigners) have money..  but mostly because they are simply just..  NICE :P

Nice is one thing oh.. their national pride OTHER than their King and Queen is Muay Thai. And boooooy is it Muay Thai. If you get the right person to discuss Muay Thai with you, be prepared for a short demo and lengthy discussion on the art of boxing and Muay Chaiya.

I am currently over in Khao Lak, Thailand in Rawi Muay Thai Camp for a personal retreat.  I wanted to experience first hand what Muay Thai is in its native and unadulterated form. I am also intrigued by Muay Boran (Chaiya). The krus' (trainers) here are friendly, as down to earth as can be and simply talented in what they do. Fighters all of them! Local and regional champions who have fought in stadiums all over Bangkok, Lupine, Khao Lak..  

I live on the campus. Its a very small maybe 3 football fields big camp which comprises of a training area with 4 rings and a big padded open space, a heated pool, a yoga rest area (currently under construction), a score of bungalows, a nice double storey apartment, and a nice quaint lil cafe (which was unfortunately closed while I was there..  oh well).  They also rent out cars, motor scooters and bicycles. Taxis are easy to call and hire here so travel to the nearest town is easy,  I took the easy way out and rented myself a sccccccooooooottterrrrr!!!! *GRIN

First day I walked a few kilometres out from camp just to get a feel of my surroundings.. and boy did I regret it. Not only did I find nothing of particular interest, other than the fact that I discovered a small village of refurbished houses meant for the victims of the Tsunami, I was soaked from head to toe and hurt all over.

Second day, I hired a scooter. From then on, it was like I was given a free pass to go anywhere! :P
I scooted to town which only took me a few mins this time..  lol..  WOW the wind blowing in the your face..  shiok!  

I came across souvenir stores and also ...yes..  1 miserable MacD's...  Back home we have 3 /4 MacD's serving the same size area.  Meh, things we take for granted back home.

On my 2nd week, I finally found.. YES a supermarket and got myself some healthy food..  like cereals and milk. And also cheese and ham! yum!  I also got wholewheat bread, just in case I got so hungry and decide to dine-in with carbs.

Brb, 2nd cup of coffee....

So.. my thoughts on Muay Thai and Boran so far? Decidedly violent yet refined.  I think I am only qualify to speak my thoughts on Karate... but based on what I have seen, Karate has a certain refinement and character steeped in traditions and discipline.  Muay Thai on the other hand, in the eyes of this newly convert, it is beautiful in its execution and so much is based on its long history of warfare and culture.

The wai-kru for instance is beautiful war dance paying tribute to its past and opponent. So much so, its like a peacock strutting its feathers..  almost as if, the fight has already been won or lost just based on the wai-kru.  Then there is the Muay Thai Boxing itself. For the competition aspect of Muay Thai, gloves are a must and sometimes shin guards (most of the time is without). Speed and brute force. Enough said. It must be my poor understanding of the art because it cannot be just these 2 elements, so I will investigate further in the course of my study and journey to learn the art of Muay Thai Boxing.  Muay Boran, however, is a different animal.  You fight without gloves, but with hand wraps only. The stances are much much lower like, traditional karate. The movements are cat-like but yet stable with wide stances alternating either left or right lead. Hand guard positions resembles combats of old, front hand low, back high. (Karate?)

Ooo, I did my own laundry here as well, the sun dries up my wet stuff really quick so nothing really stinks atm..  ATM.

My weight is going down, stamina is going up, so is strength training..  I am hitting the gym here every other day.  Today I am taking a day off training as I am beginning to feel the effects of training 4 hours of Muay Thai. My ankle was injured somehow...  don't know how, but now its really sore and hard to put weight on it.  

Mai Jap, Mai Jai Muay Thai...
No Pain, No Muay Thai.


Friday, April 22, 2016

iLike thoughts on the eve of a major event

22 Apr 2016: 114.1kg

That's it folks... today is the eve of a month-long major training camp. On Saturday, I will embark on another (first) training program aimed at improving my fitness, weight-loss and fight knowledge.

At this age, I will not call it fight I think I am in the process of slowly losing what I have. Reflexes, stamina, strength. The only things I am accumulating as I age are (not limited to) wrinkles(as little as possible please), money (as much as possible please), experiences, memories (deteriorate slowly) and FATS.

I will attempt to blog if I can from the camp if I find energy left (I will be attempting 4-5 hours a day training).

More details as and when I find out more myself. :P

Now I am sitting down in from of my comp and getting this blog done...

Been recently eyeing (i-ing... get it? get it?) a brand new iMac from the iStore (my faithful and trusty old iMac finally died...age:10 years old). Oh oh and I also crowd funded for a reality fps called inception... and Kaiser for 2 parachute couches..  seriously cool.(Take a look)

Wei.. not scared of getting iSued from iMac ah? *hiak hiak hiak.. (ichoke)(igasp)(DANG! *ifaint)

Here goes.. iLike...

1...dark, gloomy, cold and windy rainy mornings... it always gives me a nice feeling that the world is taking a break... so should I... hee hee

2...morning wood... ahhhhh.... (this one sure kena censored by Pam one..)

3...the smell (snnnnifffff); feel of new karate dogi...

4...cutsie little kittens...

5...the way I feel sandbags caved-in after I kick 'em...

6...the way I feel sandbags caved-in after I punch 'em...

7...the way I feel caved-in after my training sessions...

8...seeing the faces of my kids first thing in the morning when I wake and last thing at night before I sleep...

9...seeing the face of Pam first thing in the morning when I wake and last thing at night before I sleep... *ok ok, maybe not the first thing when I wake lar.. every husband out there knows after a few years of marriage, our wives' face is sometimes the scariest thing to see when we open our eyes... all that droool...eeeeeeee

10...nice fitting shirts and tank tops...

11...the way I can keep eating carbs and stuff and my weight still don't go up.. *THERE YOU GO...WHO SAID NON-CARB DIETS ARE YOYO DIETS?? COME TAKE A LOOK AT ME...

*ahem..but I digress...

12...CabalSEA Online... This is a free-to-play MMORPG game which is pretty addictive...I play a character there called TwilightPard, Blader. Other than playing the game as it was intended, there is another element to it called "humans", pronounced "HUE-MENS", sometimes they are also pronounced "S-HOES". PVP is part of the game whereby players can pit their skills (here means MY LEVEL HIGHER THAN YOURS SO I BULLY AND BEAT YOU SENSELESS) against each other in "Player versus player" duels. Levels not important lar but I think it is the skills and luck of the player that counts. :P The most if I kena bullied in the game, I will get them to come and PVP me in RL (Here means REAL LIFE... and my RL level is super duper high *wink)... and I just bring my buddies along.. (Left & Right fists, Left & Right legs)...heh heh heh heh heh

13...DDO (Dungeons & Dragons Online)... Another free-to-play MMORPG game which is what happens when childhood dream meets modern technology. When I was younger, I used to play sessions and sessions of D&D with my friends, Albert, Shawn, Darren and there is someone else I don't seem to remember his name. Anyway, us few D&D nerds would hunker down in the foyer after school and play for hours.. indulging in dragons, and magic and roguery. *Fondly remembering here and smiling at the computer screen for a few moments. ~Sigh workout sessions at my studio gym...the way I get muscle tears and soreness after a good workout... *woohooo! G4 iMac is officially dying...current mac is a 2013 iMacbook Air... another damn cool the moment I am hooking it up to a 32" TV with HDMI and cool gadgets that enable me to play my (13..13..13..13)...  games :PP Samsung S6 edge has become like an attachment to my body already...I worry the day it has to be replaced...eek... workout attires...but Pam forbids me to go out in some of the shorts because she says they are too "tight"... got such thing one meeeeeeeeh? friends...because I have very few of them...LOL

19..."COO-MEE-TEH" & KAA-TAA"...if you don't know what they mean...then you don't need to know...LOL

20...i also like brazillian wax...but shy lar so DIY and go for GILLETTE CLOSE SHAVE...wahahahaha

21...taking my own pictures...enuff said...

22...walking in the local shopping malls window shopping and people watching...nice to see life in action...while my wife and kids are living their own lives and have own activities these days...

23...CHEESECAKE! know, those with the crushed biscuit base and they serve it in wedges... yummy yummy...

24...travelling...when my business settles down and can run on its own, I want to travel the world and experience what the internet and books cannot teach me...

25...chicken rice...hmmm...for some reason or other, I keep getting this crazy craving for chicken rice... yum yum... There is is store at Katong Shopping Centre.....    *drool...  (wanders away)..


Friday, April 15, 2016

Calm after the storm

15 Apr: 115.1kg

Its been almost 1 week since I was down with tonsillitis (infection of the tonsils) was bedridden for 3 days. Most frustrating as I have really just gained momentum in my fitness regime. However, as with anything that we put out mind to... as long as we don't give up hope and try, there will still be a fighting chance.

For almost 10 days.. no coffee..  erggh.. today was my first sip of the Essenso instant coffee (no sugar of course) which I bought from NTUC before my sickness thingy began.

I just wanted to update my blog so as not to lose momentum here as well  ..:P

Been weight lifting again to build those bodyline once my weight has been reduced to a proper proportion. Combined with a proper diet and healthy living, maybe I can beat back the signs of aging... :P

My target fitness weight? 88kg

Doable? Yes. Difficult? Everything starts out with inertia, but once we get past that, nothing is impossible. I am repeating my formula which saw me dropping to my ideal weight a few years ago. If it was doable then, its doable now. Please please dear lord, once I get back there,, please don;t ever let me climb back up to 100kg again...  cannot tahan ah..  *grin

Signing off from my boring post (This morning no inspiration.. rainy morning and right after a heavy weights session)


Monday, April 4, 2016

Long road back to fitness

31 Mar: 121.7kg
4 Apr: 116.9kg

They say "When an injured bird with a broken wing dies, it died not of its injury but of its heart and broken will yearning for a sky never to be free again."

My mother told me I had heart murmur when I was young... and all I can do at most is brisk walking...  well a doctor said so. He has since passed away so I cannot prove to him miracles do happen.

My mother passed away peacefully and hopefully painlessly on 4th March this year from terminal pancreatic cancer, it was so fast from the point of discovery, 6th February, (was also when she was warded to TTSH), to the point she passed.  It had taken less than a month.

It was so helpless to watch her slip away everyday, every passing moment was agony. I remember it was the night before the chinese lunar new year like it was yesterday.  It was reunion dinner night.. a night where all the families would gather at a table and have dinner together.  I remember having to attend one such dinner with Pam's side of the family, but all I could think of was my own mother lying alone in the hospital bed.  So I took off and bought a bun. I went upstairs to her ward and caught her awake and alert :P  It was dinner time, so I ate with her. I said, "Ma, chi fan le. Wo men yi qi tuan yuan." She said ok, and we ate by the bedside, our last proper meal together as mother and son.

I used to visit her on Sunday mornings after my wet market shopping to get her groceries for the week, when I could afford it. Sometimes business is bad and my cash flow is low, I cannot really buy anything much, I would just drive there and chat with her. Sometimes I would stay there for hours on end.

After her funeral, I have another uncle, we call him Uncle Kheok Song..  He is my father's elder brother. He died after he had multiple strokes and complications. It has been a few years since he had the strokes. But still, to watch a person's life ebbing away slowly takes its toll.

One morning after the wake, I was walking past a mirror and took a good look at myself..  CMI.

I don't really give a damn how or what other people say or comment how I have gained weight, or waddle while walking..  but I MIND what I think of myself.  CMI.

So I begin. Training starts. Thus I am.

I will write more of my thoughts as my training progresses. Seow asked me if I am interested in a swan song tournament end of next year (2017) in the Philippines.  We shall see..

Signing off~

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

New post in a long time

Hello myself and anyone reading. (Laughs) This blog has laid dormant for so long without a positive post I think its probably a dead page by now.

Its good, because I feel everything sometimes deserves and ought to be reset. As we grow older, we change.

Our senses change, our tastes in music change, our opinions chang.. ok wait.. maybe it does not so much change but rather a paradim shift generally in the direction that suits our current way of life.

More of those ramblings in future posts.. I guess.  I used to blog because I wanted an outlet for my opinions and views in my life and martial art so that I don't explode internally *hrr hrr hrr  These days I blog because I also don't want to explode internally but most importantly, I want to record my thoughts before I turn senile. I do feel I have a few good opinions and knowledge in my head that will benefit future generations... keke (as if).

New Beginnings

I have to face the hard truths, it has been an uphill task to get my fitness back even though I tried. But the truth be told, there were half-hearted attempts at dieting, exercising and workouts.. but none of them had any visible effects.

Either I was too lazy, expected too much or simply was too busy to follow through. Either ways, it did not work to my expectations.

My younger routines done at an older age takes more determination and effort than I expected!  Anyways, I have already made up my mind make a difference this time around!

See? I have began my new series of blogs on a Monday! That signifies a new beginning?  lol  If I continue to blog tomorrow..  it just might translate into something more enduring and relevant.