Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Lost my way

I dream of them everyday...
I miss my mother
I miss Pam
I miss Lauren
I miss Eirian
I miss me

Every night I would lie awake, in the the darkness. That's when they come you know, the demons. They won't leave me alone. I can spend an entire day without uttering a single word to anyone because I want to stay in my room, away from people. Noise irritates me now. I think they are looking at me with very funny looks, sometimes I think they are talking about me when I am not looking..

Ah, they think I am not looking but I know. Spacial awareness.. zanshin. I am aware. Let them whisper all they want. I think they know about my situation. They are probably laughing at me behind my back. Ha! Let them laugh.. I am catching up with lost time researching katate and martial arts.

Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up, I will not even know it cos my room would be in darkness. Actually I like to stay there in the dark. It is quite comforting not having to see the small confines of my world. Nothing with my small squalid little living space now except, I am alone. I don't hear my kids talking and fighting with each other as they used to, my cat usually would come stick its stinky ass in my face. I miss Eddy. I miss grumbling and just talking to Pam about everything. Sometimes, I would wake up crying.

Just the other night, I dreamt our.family was walking in some park, and she held my hand. Its been so long since I missed holding her hands. 22 years. I calculated it to be almost 9000+ days... its a long time. I used to have nightmares in the past, but everytime I wake up I would reach to my right and she will always be there. .. and I would say to myself, Oh a nightmare, phew.

Will I wake up soon and reach over to find out all this have been an awful and long nightmare..  just a bad dream. She will wake up later and I will be telling her this bad dream. I miss holding her to sleep every night.

We even have a family anthem you know? Starship's Nothing's gonna stop us now.

I had a lot to think about these past 1 year. I know where I went wrong now. I can fix this. Give me my family back. I know I can fix everything
 All I need is a chance to rectify. I can fix this. My mother, Pam, my kids, my cat.

I will give up my karate in exchange for my family. Karate never failed me
 But I failed my family.

Friday, January 6, 2017

5th Day into 2017

Weight: 88.9kg

Its been an interesting 2016. With so many things happening, I am surprise I am still standing. Well, good news is, as you can see, my weight loss journey has come a full circle with me losing about 35kg to be within 2 kg or my target weight of 86kg.

I went from a size 44 to a size 34. GASP. That is something I did not imagine will ever happen again.

I'm baaaaack.

CJ

Monday, December 26, 2016

Boxing Day Special

Weight loss progress so far: Very satisfactory
Current weight: 92.7kg

This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.

The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking.  My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.

In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am...  sigh

I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...

Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim..  the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him...  that is..  until the demons return.

So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times...  those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons.  Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts..  just waiting for me to let my guard down..  I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.

~CJ

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

200 Pounds Beauty...just like ME!!!!

Weight: 96.8

I think I have found my brand new idol...  watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.




Angel....angel.... Annnngggeelllll.....

~CJ

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Update for November 2016

Weight: 97.3kg

Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.

Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.

Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg.  It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month..  literally.  I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace..  I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.

I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives..  let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.

Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round.  Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)

I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?..  just a thought..

~CJ

Sunday, September 11, 2016

11 September 2016

Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.

This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack.   While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me..  my hands and feet felt cold.

I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts.  The last time I felt like this was many...  many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central...  I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said..  boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.

My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :)   Things don't usually turn out the way we planned..  sigh

I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years..  I am going to be alone..  again.   22 years.  Sigh.

I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.

I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around.  For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids.  They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.

I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.

I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?

I was suicidal a while back..  that is not to say I don't feel that way now..  I still do, but that urge is coming less often now..  except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark......  especially when its dark.  Thoughts start going through my head..  that is when I know I have to busy myself with something..  make myself tired..  cannot think.. sleep..  tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare..  then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.

*Crying again...

Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.

Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it.  We can never have them back...  only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.

Its been a long time...  its been a long journey. I am tired.  Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich..  I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away.  They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.

The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves.  Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.

I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own..  make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family..  even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.

Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed..  which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her..  lol. Funny yet sad at the same time.   I need to shop for a sofa...  I need to shop for internet wifi...  I need a tv...

*crying again...  sigh..

~CJ

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Support is now needed more than ever!

I need help! Seriously.

Sigh.

Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.

Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.

On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply.  I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.

I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.

I set up this page:

paypal.me/ChongJin

Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money..  how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol..  now that would be a thought.

Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years....   sigh.

We'll see... we'll see.

Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness.  Until then...

~CJ