Monday, December 26, 2016

Boxing Day Special

Weight loss progress so far: Very satisfactory
Current weight: 92.7kg

This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.

The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking.  My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.

In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am...  sigh

I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...

Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim..  the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him...  that is..  until the demons return.

So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times...  those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons.  Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts..  just waiting for me to let my guard down..  I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.