Sunday, September 10, 2017
Friday, September 1, 2017
Everything around me is quiet and dark.
My heart starts remembering what my mind is trying to forget.
I am getting tired of smiling.
Tired of pretending to be happy.
All I want to do is break down and cry.
I want to stop in my tracks and sit down and rest for a little while.
...just for a little while...
...been so tired...
I am just so tired...
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
I miss you,
with each breath I draw,
I miss you,
with every passing moment,
I miss you,
with each beat of my heart,
I miss you,
with every step I take,
I miss you,
with each word I speak,
I miss you,
with every thought I think,
I miss you.
Sometimes I would lie in darkness,
it is easier to pretend you are by my side,
sometimes I would not speak for days,
it is easier for me to pretend I was waiting for you to come home so I could tell you about my day,
at times I would be lost,
but I know if I make it through today,
I would be able to see you tomorrow,
other times I cannot make up my mind what to do,
so I would close my eyes and have a conversation with you in my head,
you were not always sensible,
but you were always my sense of direction,
it may not always seem we have a future,
but you are always my tomorrow,
you may think you know the reason for my loving you,
but I never needed any reason,
from the moment I met you,
I love you.
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Well.. I finally got started in Certis Cisco as an Auxiliary Police Officer.
Starting something new at this age is not that difficult. I have always been quick at learning and picking up new skills.
This platform is not appropriate to discuss my personal views on my new job. If you want to know, ask me.
Looking back, I have been living alone for slightly over half a year. It has not been an easy start for my new life, but nothing is easy when we begin. I guess things will slowly get sorted out one issue at a time, and when that happens, I am sure everything will find its place.
For now, somedays I win the mental fight, somedays I am still losing. The Cisco Academy is overcrowded with trainees and they have ran out of barrack space. Even then, as my appointment currently do not require me to stay in, there are days when I wish I could have. Then I would not have to eat alone and sleep alone.
My shoulders have been killing me. Perhaps its my age, but I have feeling it was due to my change in eating habits. I do not eat as much as before and I have increased my workout regiment as much as my work and rest schedule allows me. I have come to depend heavily on panadol, anorexia and zyanals whenever I can lay my hands on them. NSAIDS are hard to come by without prescriptions so I have to depend on the generosity of friends who have extras. *SMILES
PA came through and have asked for a final session briefing on the evening of 22 June before signing the LOA for 3 years as a PA Trainer. I guess once I can sort out my work and rest schedule, I have to regulate my workouts and keep myself busy. I have to, so I can remain sane.
Martial Arts and Fitness training will always be my passion as is my plan on taking up Physiotherapy as my twilight career after finishing my stint with Cisco.
I have seen and learnt a lot from attending training classes. Learnt enough to know that everything must have a systematic approach when it comes to learning and experience. I will put that to good use when it involves my passions and approach to life.
This is just another boring rant and e-diary update on my state of life so far. Too much of these in recent posts and nothing really meaningful. I promise myself to get back into the swing of things soon.
Until then, thought of the day. Middle snap front kick; Chudan Mae Geri, it is without exception, one of the most effect technique, sports and street.
Monday, April 17, 2017
So its been a long journey to come to where I am. Tiring but more needs to be done. When I say what needs to be done, I mean maintenance. Getting here is one thing, of course I would love to drop my weight even further but improve my lean muscle mass to a good ratio.
But I am keenly and painfully aware of age and time. However, that being said, I never really believed in "cannot"s and "impossible"s. Seeing how I came from 121Kg+ to current weight in under a year, I love proving people's theories wrong.
Along the way, there are a whole lot of naysayers and friends who were skeptical about my efforts, however, everyone walks their own path, and we all reap what we sow.
Looking back, I wish I had started this much much earlier, but I guess I have been complacent in my life. I took things for granted. Just like stacked dominoes, it started with one piece falling, then everything else went to hell. It have been a shitty 2016... but as with every aftermath of disaster, rebuilding starts.
I am going to have to rebuild my life. Smarter, and wiser. More pragmatic in approach but actions speak louder than words. Do, not just say. Listen, not just judge. The road ahead will only get more difficult, but I am confident I am able to pull through.
A friend wisely advised, "Tough situations never last, tough people do."
I bought it hook, line and sinker. You should too, because at the end of every day, its another new one. Somedays we win the fight, somedays we lose, but hey, its okay, nobody wins all the time, losing just makes winner that much sweeter :)
Rocky Balboa said this in a movie, "Let me tell you something you already know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That is how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then get out there and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be because of him or her or anybody! Coward do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!.."
Here.. let the man say it himself...
I can feel what he meant. Life mimics movies, movies mimics life.
Life is like a movie, soon the movie will be over. What happens after the show? :)
Monday, April 3, 2017
2 April 2017 4.40am
I did my virgin 21.1km half marathon in 2hr 31mins.
Yes! I guess there will always be a first for everything even at my age.
I have done many firsts in my life in a short span of one year, and I would like to do more.
A bucketlist would be too much to ask for me at this point in time but I guess making a list of FIRSTS would be fun! I can always decide if that would be a solo, buddy or even a group ad hoc type of adventure.
Next on my list, getting back on track with my career at mid-life!
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
I wish I can go back in time.
I wish I have a choice to choose it all again.
I will never ever want to cross path with you.
Not because I regret.
But because I cannot forgive myself for all that I have done.
Somedays I will wake up in the middle of the night but I refuse to open my eyes. I keep asking myself is the nightmare over? If I reach across, would I find you there next to me like always?
Then I would convince myself it was a horrible dream. I have learnt my lesson. Tomorrow...
In the morning...
I will open my eyes and my family will be there...
Then I will tell you all about the horrible fear and hurt I felt in my nightmare. You will say I am being silly. Everything will be alright...
How does a person ever stop feeling regret and sadness?
When does it stop?
How does it stop?
There are many times I want to just close my eyes and never open them again. Darkness is like a cinema...I replay my memories over and over.
inside my head, I am home with my family again...
Pam, Lauren, Eirian and Misty.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
I miss my mother
I miss Pam
I miss Lauren
I miss Eirian
I miss me
Every night I would lie awake, in the the darkness. That's when they come you know, the demons. They won't leave me alone. I can spend an entire day without uttering a single word to anyone because I want to stay in my room, away from people. Noise irritates me now. I think they are looking at me with very funny looks, sometimes I think they are talking about me when I am not looking..
Ah, they think I am not looking but I know. Spacial awareness.. zanshin. I am aware. Let them whisper all they want. I think they know about my situation. They are probably laughing at me behind my back. Ha! Let them laugh.. I am catching up with lost time researching katate and martial arts.
Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up, I will not even know it cos my room would be in darkness. Actually I like to stay there in the dark. It is quite comforting not having to see the small confines of my world. Nothing with my small squalid little living space now except, I am alone. I don't hear my kids talking and fighting with each other as they used to, my cat usually would come stick its stinky ass in my face. I miss Eddy. I miss grumbling and just talking to Pam about everything. Sometimes, I would wake up crying.
Just the other night, I dreamt our.family was walking in some park, and she held my hand. Its been so long since I missed holding her hands. 22 years. I calculated it to be almost 9000+ days... its a long time. I used to have nightmares in the past, but everytime I wake up I would reach to my right and she will always be there. .. and I would say to myself, Oh a nightmare, phew.
Will I wake up soon and reach over to find out all this have been an awful and long nightmare.. just a bad dream. She will wake up later and I will be telling her this bad dream. I miss holding her to sleep every night.
We even have a family anthem you know? Starship's Nothing's gonna stop us now.
I had a lot to think about these past 1 year. I know where I went wrong now. I can fix this. Give me my family back. I know I can fix everything
All I need is a chance to rectify. I can fix this. My mother, Pam, my kids, my cat.
I will give up my karate in exchange for my family. Karate never failed me
But I failed my family.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Its been an interesting 2016. With so many things happening, I am surprise I am still standing. Well, good news is, as you can see, my weight loss journey has come a full circle with me losing about 35kg to be within 2 kg or my target weight of 86kg.
I went from a size 44 to a size 34. GASP. That is something I did not imagine will ever happen again.