Daily compulsions...

I have a confession to make.

I harbor a criminal's mind.

I have violent thoughts almost everyday of my life for the past 22 years...

If you observe me quietly from behind.. most of the time, you will notice I mumble a lot to myself, talk, gesturing my hands and arms, stepping in weird ways and sometimes, even violent movements followed by shaking of my head...

...followed by more mumblings...

Maybe I am partially of unsound mind..

..perhaps..

..perhaps I have a mind ticking and thinking away like a murderer, gangster, ah beng, ah seng, molester, rapist, robber, pick-pocket...

I like to think terrible thoughts of stabbing someone, from under the ribs, behind into the kidneys, to following some poor lady to the lift and when the door closes, I will corner them and rob them or have my way with them... Sometimes, I would think of how to best use the chopper or parang that I would imagine holding in my hands and inflict the maximum amount of damage on my poor victim.

In my mind... I have been the perpetrator of many violent crimes...

Don't think too badly of me yet.. I wasn't born this way.. I wasn't made to think like this..

...it is because I choose to.

When I am out with my family, and we see a man stumbling with a bottle of beer in one hand, I immediately become alert to the potential danger to come... A beer bottle can be a murderer's tool, if you let it. I know, because in my mind, many, many scenarios of the potential threat has played through in my head. I walk through every possible defense from this set piece as thoroughly as I can, no win situation, especially when the family is around.. so we avoid drawing his attention, walk another way, away from danger.

That is but ONE of the thousands of scenarios my mind play out everyday in my head... by being the aggressor, I study the defense, by playing out the movements in my head and aided by my moronic hand and feet gestures, I can prepare as many defense to as many attacks my head can churn out..lol...

Maybe I am just crazy.. bwahahaha...