11 September 2016

Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.

This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack.   While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me..  my hands and feet felt cold.

I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts.  The last time I felt like this was many...  many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central...  I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said..  boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.

My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :)   Things don't usually turn out the way we planned..  sigh

I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years..  I am going to be alone..  again.   22 years.  Sigh.

I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.

I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around.  For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids.  They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.

I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.

I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?

I was suicidal a while back..  that is not to say I don't feel that way now..  I still do, but that urge is coming less often now..  except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark......  especially when its dark.  Thoughts start going through my head..  that is when I know I have to busy myself with something..  make myself tired..  cannot think.. sleep..  tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare..  then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.

*Crying again...

Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.

Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it.  We can never have them back...  only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.

Its been a long time...  its been a long journey. I am tired.  Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich..  I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away.  They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.

The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves.  Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.

I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own..  make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family..  even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.

Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed..  which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her..  lol. Funny yet sad at the same time.   I need to shop for a sofa...  I need to shop for internet wifi...  I need a tv...

*crying again...  sigh..

~CJ

Support is now needed more than ever!

I need help! Seriously.

Sigh.

Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.

Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.

On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply.  I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.

I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.

I set up this page:

paypal.me/ChongJin

Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money..  how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol..  now that would be a thought.

Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years....   sigh.

We'll see... we'll see.

Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness.  Until then...

~CJ

New Journey Begins

This entry is not about weight, health nor achievement.

This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.

I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.

I am single again.

After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4..  I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.

No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done...  all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.

Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them.  Be brave.  Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.

Time for a new chapter.

Here we go.

 *wry smile.


CJ

9th Day of Rest

Weight: 101.4kg
(almost there....)


On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:

Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!

Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime.  However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.

Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.

WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)

SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)

My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty.  We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey..  and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.

I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.

If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai? 

I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt. 

My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind..  but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now..  just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.

I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised.  You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence.  It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.

We often missed out on the most important lesson..  it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.

Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?

I digress...

When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.

It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?

4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai..  but it turns out my leg had other ideas...  sigh.  So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts....  siiigghhh...

~CJ

8 Long Days of Rest

Weight: 101.8kg

Condition: Tired, Stomach cramps, muscle aches, dehydrated

On the 1st day (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

An old injury involving my right calf. It seized up during my warmup on Tuesday after I was looking forward to a hard workout so I can rest on the following Wednesday which was Hari Raya New Year day...  but, to my dismay I have to pull out of muay thai class almost 5 mins into warmups. Sigh..  the problems of being old with injuries.

On the 2nd day (Wednesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

More signs of muscle fatigue as I continue to stretch my workout muscles in my calf in preparation that I return to fitness and training the following day or maybe even Friday..  but no lor. Sigh..  It is cold and sore.. a sign of over-training. It must have been the Sunday I went hiking with Lauren over 12.3km from our home in Joo Chiat all the way to East Coast then from there to Stadium. It was quite a walk but I loved every minute of it.  It would have been even better if the entire family could have done it together.. soon I hope :) Fingers crossed.

On the 3rd day (Thursday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Same trouble with the leg so no training but I gave it a good workout in terms of stretching (v. important) and of course food intake.. yumms. Did my usual workout with my upper body and abs..  hope it will compensate for my lack of cardio.Sigh.. always happens during my crucial stages whereby I need to up my game.

On the 4th day (Friday) of Rest my body gave to me:

My two kids down with stomach flu. In fact Lauren already kena yesterday but I had to bring her to the doctor and got turned away because it was just past consultation hours..  (Bad daddy.. Badddd daddy).

My youngest one followed suit with bouts of throwing up and tummy aches as well..  no choice.. DOCTORS AT A&E KK Hospital for Children. Sigh..  4.5 hours of wait.. in the end everyone was exhausted..  Luckily nothing big just lots of medicine for everyone~!~

On the 5th day (Saturday) of Rest my body gave to me:

A nice rest day with Pam and kids as we were both up till 6am this morning due to KK's A&E visit. My body is recovering nicely and hopefully Sunday would be a good day to kick start my new routine :)

On the 6th day (Sunday) of Rest my body gave to me:

A fever, stomach cramps and body aches. Sigh. I guess all that late nights, stress and visiting places with germs finally caught up with me and Pam. We both fell ill and Pam got the worst of it by having fever on top of everything else. Guess today's run is off and err..  Monday is a sick day liao?..

On the 7th day (Monday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Yeps! I was right :( Body aches all over. Grrrr..  Rule of thumb I don't train on the day I feel under the weather and the following day as well, due to cardio concerns. I have see, heard, witnessed too many cases where people who are unwell pushed too hard and well, fit as they are..  I am alive and they are not. God rests their souls. :(  Some of them are my friends. :((((

Pam had a really bad fever spike this evening after her SGH class then Zumba class.. she pushed too hard. This wife of mine is a workaholic. Love her la.  Almost had a heart attack when we found her shivering and spiking a 40 degree temp. Rushed with the entire family down to SGH A&E.. and after almost 6 hours there..  (the girls gave up waiting after 4 hours..  well done kids!) we all arrived safely home and Pam is duly rested.

I managed to convince Pam to rest and closed the studio for 2 days under the reason of quarantine. I do not want to spread the this virus to the rest of the people working out here. Unless I want a pending lawsuit...  better safe than sorry. Right?

On the 8th day of (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:

Here I am typing into my blog for the record of all the past 8 days of so called rests and eventful events plus a lot of exciting happenings which did not make it to this blog..  Hopefully it will never make it here...  but you never know!  Everyone seems rested.. the fever have all but subsided..  I managed to sweat it out this morning and resumed my weights training..  hopefully I make it through tomorrow without any incident AND then maybe I can finally resume my exercise and training regime.  Oh and I also happened to meet Sensei Mark Wang. He is a legend in the circle of karate.  I will blog about him at a later date about how he influenced my karate training.

9th day (Wednesday) of Rest calls......

~CJ

A quick look back at karate

Hi hi,

I was just surfing the web this morning when I stumbled across and old article I did for Men's Health Singapore.

I was surprised it is still there..  lol.

Speaking of karate...

One of my clubs which I belong to..used to be the ONLY club.. Shitoryu Karate Association, is falling apart.. in my opinion.  Not by any fault of its own, but by the powers that be.

I guess I was not surprised that the "mighty" SKA eventually will fall because of politics. We used to field the best karate-kas locally and in the region, however, as with all things... pride comes before a fall.

I still remember the first time I heard of karate. It was at a bookstore in Bras Basah where I chanced upon this book...
 
I remembered I was so intrigued by what I read inside I bought it even though I had to spend my week's allowance on it (I was in secondary 2 at that time and I didn't really have much money).

I was fat.. oh dear.. real fat. I guess I have always been big due to my family. I looked at the book and there were step by step illustration of this sequence of karate moves called kata. WOW. I thought.. after learning this, I now know karate. Somehow, unknown to me, this was to become a lifelong love for the art of karate. I guess if I had picked up a book on Muay Thai or Judo, I would have chosen those arts?..  Nah

When I was in primary 6 in 1983, heh, I remembered there was a TV serial about judo. And there was a craze amongst my primary schoolmates (St. Anthony Boys' School) about judo. Everyone would be challenging each other with judo moves.  There was these 2 kids in particular I want to single out in my blog now who gave me a hard time and bullied me into submission overtime we would "horseplay" around during, before and in-betweeen class times. Lyndon Chow, he was a tall lanky fellow whose mother was one of the teachers in the same school, we called her Mrs Angela Chow. This guy would wrestle me to the ground and pin me down and make me say I give up. I would ALWAYS refuse and tried my best to get up... well, you guessed it, I would always be "mopping" the dirty classroom floor.. and once I even tore my school uniform so badly, I had to hide it by leaning back into my chair the whole time during school until dismissal, lucky it was the last period..  I think.. :)


The other boy.. I forgot his name, but lets call him X. But he was slightly bigger than me, (well back in primary school, EVERYBODY was bigger than me). He would always brag he was the better judo player than I ever will be and can never beat him, and to prove that, he would constantly challenge me to impromptu judo matches... at the assembly yard, during recess.. and once during PE lesson... but it was always in front of a crowd..  maybe that was what he craved (shrug).   I would lose.. and lose horribly because I want to win, but I have no idea how to "judo" and hence get toss around like a rag doll by my bigger "friends".  Sigh.

My dad was a judoka 3rd dan, I remembered, and when I asked him for advice on how to improve my game, he laughed and ignored me. I remember telling myself back then (it was to become one my life mottos), never to depend on anyone else to improve yourself, no one will be in your corner if you don't have a chance of winning, who wants to be on a losing team?

Anyway, back then I couldn't go out by myself, so library was out of the question. I was in a primary school, so the school library did not have any material on judo. The internet was not invented back then. By some coincidence, I happen to catch a very interesting episode of that judo TV serial I was mentioning about earlier.  I remembered watching it intently for the entire episode. Little did I know back then, this was one of my life talents.. the gift of photographic memory for martial arts. Weird right? Of all the things in the world to possess.. well at least its one of the quirky gifts god gave me.. I will take it!

Back to the judo TV serial..  I practiced on my sister... I practiced on my smelly bolster... I practiced by pillars... I practiced by myself...  and practiced and practiced... hard. I told myself I never want to be humiliated by others again just because I cannot protect myself. Anyway, before you know it..  I had to study hard for my PSLE and judo was at the back of my mind..  but in the meantime, I continued getting bullied in school..  sigh

After I got posted to St Josephs Institution, I remembered it was day 3 or 4..  in my new secondary school..  I thought.. wow new school, new start! One morning, right in the middle of the school yard where the whole school was gathered before assembly, I saw X.  I remember him coming over and started calling me names almost immediately. Grrrrr. I can still remember that arrogant face.. smiling and grinning, making fun of my size and gloating over the fact he would trash me overtime he saw me. He started to poke me in the chest and challenged me to... you guessed it.. judo. Sigh. This time I was ready..  and to make it interesting, he got his new friends to gather around and told them I was the one he used as target practice for his new love judo.

-Long story Cut Short-

I trashed him. Ooooh how I trashed him. I threw him into the drain, I threw him amongst the trash bins nearby, I pinned him to the asphalt ground and made him call uncle...all these in front of his new friends. SATISFACTION. I still remembered his eyes. *smile

The bonus came immediate after..  I remember I was leaving the scene of "carnage" where the kids were all gathered to gawk at that bleeding X with his white uniform all roughed up and brown and dirty...  2 bigger boys came running after me.  I was thinking.. uh-oh, X's new seniors are coming to take revenge..  SIGH.   One of the said, "Oei!" I felt like disappearing into thin air, seriously, that is how I feel always right before someone bullies me.   HOWEVER....

The other boy said they have seen what I did in the school yard, and was wondering if I would like to join SJI's Judo Club?  OMG!!!  I should have said yes back then.. but I guess I was just glad they were not there to beat me up.. I just talked them hastily I would think about it and ran off. Ahhh.. sweet!!

-Cut to present day-

Shitoryu Karate Association. The present day karate politics is killing the martial art. It is killing my desire to attend any classes... not that I need to attend classes.. I conduct classes.. heh heh. But still, I would have loved to see more karatekas in Singapore.  MMA is taking this tiny island by storm. Not that its not good, its just that I have a passion for karate.  SKA being booted out from the NSA is already bad enough to stifle young talents not to mention any chance of representing Singapore in any international competitions, but now we have 2 major organisations. I am not going to discuss politics here but all I have to say is what happened to the principles of being a karateka...

SINCERE
RESOLUTE
HONOURABLE
HUMBLE

I was taught to bow towards these principles for 28 years. Surely it must mean something.

~CJ

Short short Update

Weight: 105.4kg

Just wanted to blog in and record my progress. My waist has shrunk from 48" to 42.5" from April as of today (thats 2 months). Weight has went from 121.6kg at my heaviest to current weight.

So let's see, 5.5 inches off my flabs and 16.2kg gone. 2 months. Nice. I am charting myself and comparing to my training and exercise progress from 2008. Looks comparable at the moment. That means I am on way back to myself FINALLY.

After years of depression, hopefully I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am promising myself NEVER to go back. EVER.  Bye bye 110+..  bye bye 3 digit weight. Say hellllloooo abs again.. sigh.

Today I did a really good 1 hour work out at Evolve followed by another good run in the evening with my daughter then some conditioning weights back at the studio. Nope not tired at all.

Ahhhh...

With this progress, I know I can do it. I am on my way back. This time I am loaded with Karate, Judo, Muay Thai and Brazilian Ju-Jitsu.

Kekeke.....   KEKEKEKE....  (cue lightning and thunder...) KEKEKEKEKEK!!!

~CJ