Pain

I wish I can go back in time.
I wish I have a choice to choose it all again.
I will never ever want to cross path with you.
Not because I regret.
But because I cannot forgive myself for all that I have done.

Somedays I will wake up in the middle of the night but I refuse to open my eyes. I keep asking myself is the nightmare over? If I reach across, would I find you there next to me like always?
Then I would convince myself it was a horrible dream. I have learnt my lesson. Tomorrow...
In the morning...
I will open my eyes and my family will be there...
Then I will tell you all about the horrible fear and hurt I felt in my nightmare. You will say I am being silly. Everything will be alright...

How does a person ever stop feeling regret and sadness?

When does it stop?
How does it stop?

There are many times I want to just close my eyes and never open them again. Darkness is like a cinema...I replay my memories over and over.
There...
inside my head, I am home with my family again...
Pam, Lauren, Eirian and Misty.

Lost my way

I dream of them everyday...
I miss my mother
I miss Pam
I miss Lauren
I miss Eirian
I miss me

Every night I would lie awake, in the the darkness. That's when they come you know, the demons. They won't leave me alone. I can spend an entire day without uttering a single word to anyone because I want to stay in my room, away from people. Noise irritates me now. I think they are looking at me with very funny looks, sometimes I think they are talking about me when I am not looking..

Ah, they think I am not looking but I know. Spacial awareness.. zanshin. I am aware. Let them whisper all they want. I think they know about my situation. They are probably laughing at me behind my back. Ha! Let them laugh.. I am catching up with lost time researching katate and martial arts.

Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up, I will not even know it cos my room would be in darkness. Actually I like to stay there in the dark. It is quite comforting not having to see the small confines of my world. Nothing with my small squalid little living space now except, I am alone. I don't hear my kids talking and fighting with each other as they used to, my cat usually would come stick its stinky ass in my face. I miss Eddy. I miss grumbling and just talking to Pam about everything. Sometimes, I would wake up crying.

Just the other night, I dreamt our.family was walking in some park, and she held my hand. Its been so long since I missed holding her hands. 22 years. I calculated it to be almost 9000+ days... its a long time. I used to have nightmares in the past, but everytime I wake up I would reach to my right and she will always be there. .. and I would say to myself, Oh a nightmare, phew.

Will I wake up soon and reach over to find out all this have been an awful and long nightmare..  just a bad dream. She will wake up later and I will be telling her this bad dream. I miss holding her to sleep every night.

We even have a family anthem you know? Starship's Nothing's gonna stop us now.

I had a lot to think about these past 1 year. I know where I went wrong now. I can fix this. Give me my family back. I know I can fix everything
 All I need is a chance to rectify. I can fix this. My mother, Pam, my kids, my cat.

I will give up my karate in exchange for my family. Karate never failed me
 But I failed my family.