11 September 2016

Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.

This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack.   While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me..  my hands and feet felt cold.

I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts.  The last time I felt like this was many...  many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central...  I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said..  boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.

My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :)   Things don't usually turn out the way we planned..  sigh

I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years..  I am going to be alone..  again.   22 years.  Sigh.

I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.

I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around.  For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids.  They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.

I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.

I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?

I was suicidal a while back..  that is not to say I don't feel that way now..  I still do, but that urge is coming less often now..  except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark......  especially when its dark.  Thoughts start going through my head..  that is when I know I have to busy myself with something..  make myself tired..  cannot think.. sleep..  tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare..  then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.

*Crying again...

Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.

Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it.  We can never have them back...  only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.

Its been a long time...  its been a long journey. I am tired.  Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich..  I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away.  They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.

The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves.  Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.

I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own..  make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family..  even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.

Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed..  which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her..  lol. Funny yet sad at the same time.   I need to shop for a sofa...  I need to shop for internet wifi...  I need a tv...

*crying again...  sigh..

~CJ

Support is now needed more than ever!

I need help! Seriously.

Sigh.

Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.

Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.

On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply.  I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.

I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.

I set up this page:

paypal.me/ChongJin

Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money..  how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol..  now that would be a thought.

Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years....   sigh.

We'll see... we'll see.

Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness.  Until then...

~CJ