Weight loss progress so far: Very satisfactory
Current weight: 92.7kg
This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.
The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking. My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.
In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am... sigh
I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...
Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim.. the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him... that is.. until the demons return.
So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times... those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons. Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts.. just waiting for me to let my guard down.. I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.
~CJ
Monday, December 26, 2016
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
200 Pounds Beauty...just like ME!!!!
Weight: 96.8
I think I have found my brand new idol... watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.
Angel....angel.... Annnngggeelllll.....
~CJ
I think I have found my brand new idol... watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.
~CJ
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Update for November 2016
Weight: 97.3kg
Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.
Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.
Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg. It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month.. literally. I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace.. I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.
I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives.. let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.
Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round. Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)
I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?.. just a thought..
~CJ
Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.
Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.
Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg. It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month.. literally. I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace.. I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.
I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives.. let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.
Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round. Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)
I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?.. just a thought..
~CJ
Sunday, September 11, 2016
11 September 2016
Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.
This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack. While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me.. my hands and feet felt cold.
I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts. The last time I felt like this was many... many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central... I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said.. boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.
My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :) Things don't usually turn out the way we planned.. sigh
I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years.. I am going to be alone.. again. 22 years. Sigh.
I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.
I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around. For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids. They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.
I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.
I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?
I was suicidal a while back.. that is not to say I don't feel that way now.. I still do, but that urge is coming less often now.. except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark...... especially when its dark. Thoughts start going through my head.. that is when I know I have to busy myself with something.. make myself tired.. cannot think.. sleep.. tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare.. then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.
*Crying again...
Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.
Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it. We can never have them back... only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.
Its been a long time... its been a long journey. I am tired. Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich.. I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away. They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.
The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves. Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.
I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own.. make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family.. even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.
Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed.. which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her.. lol. Funny yet sad at the same time. I need to shop for a sofa... I need to shop for internet wifi... I need a tv...
*crying again... sigh..
~CJ
Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.
This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack. While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me.. my hands and feet felt cold.
I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts. The last time I felt like this was many... many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central... I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said.. boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.
My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :) Things don't usually turn out the way we planned.. sigh
I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years.. I am going to be alone.. again. 22 years. Sigh.
I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.
I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around. For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids. They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.
I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.
I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?
I was suicidal a while back.. that is not to say I don't feel that way now.. I still do, but that urge is coming less often now.. except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark...... especially when its dark. Thoughts start going through my head.. that is when I know I have to busy myself with something.. make myself tired.. cannot think.. sleep.. tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare.. then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.
*Crying again...
Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.
Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it. We can never have them back... only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.
Its been a long time... its been a long journey. I am tired. Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich.. I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away. They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.
The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves. Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.
I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own.. make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family.. even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.
Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed.. which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her.. lol. Funny yet sad at the same time. I need to shop for a sofa... I need to shop for internet wifi... I need a tv...
*crying again... sigh..
~CJ
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Support is now needed more than ever!
I need help! Seriously.
Sigh.
Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.
Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.
On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply. I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.
I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.
I set up this page:
paypal.me/ChongJin
Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money.. how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol.. now that would be a thought.
Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years.... sigh.
We'll see... we'll see.
Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness. Until then...
~CJ
Sigh.
Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.
Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.
On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply. I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.
I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.
I set up this page:
paypal.me/ChongJin
Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money.. how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol.. now that would be a thought.
Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years.... sigh.
We'll see... we'll see.
Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness. Until then...
~CJ
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
New Journey Begins
This entry is not about weight, health nor achievement.
This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.
I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.
I am single again.
After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4.. I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.
No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done... all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.
Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them. Be brave. Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.
Time for a new chapter.
Here we go.
*wry smile.
CJ
This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.
I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.
I am single again.
After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4.. I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.
No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done... all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.
Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them. Be brave. Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.
Time for a new chapter.
Here we go.
*wry smile.
CJ
Thursday, July 14, 2016
9th Day of Rest
Weight: 101.4kg
(almost there....)
On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:
Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!
Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime. However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.
Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.
WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)
SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)
My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty. We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey.. and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.
I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.
If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai?
I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt.
My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind.. but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now.. just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.
I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised. You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence. It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.
We often missed out on the most important lesson.. it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.
Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?
I digress...
When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.
It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?
4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai.. but it turns out my leg had other ideas... sigh. So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts.... siiigghhh...
~CJ
(almost there....)
On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:
Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!
Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime. However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.
Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.
WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)
SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)
My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty. We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey.. and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.
I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.
If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai?
I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt.
My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind.. but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now.. just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.
I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised. You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence. It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.
We often missed out on the most important lesson.. it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.
Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?
I digress...
When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.
It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?
4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai.. but it turns out my leg had other ideas... sigh. So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts.... siiigghhh...
~CJ
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