30 March was a goooood day. I had a fleeting glimpse of home. Felt at peace with the world... although the taxi ride was only 10 mins... it felt like an eternity for me. Never have I been more grateful to an insect on top of a taxi ceiling.
Monday, April 2, 2018
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Home
Its 2018. Been a year and slightly more of being out on my own.
I miss home.
Home.
Always had one. Never been far away from it.
I am tired. I miss home. I just want to go home... and be with my family.
Friday, October 13, 2017
Sunday, September 10, 2017
我知道你很難過
蔡依林
作詞：胡如虹
作曲：葉良俊
愛一個人 需要緣份
你何苦讓自己 越陷越深
別傻得用你的天真
去碰觸不安的靈魂
每一天只能癡癡的等
愛一個人 別太認真
你受傷的眼神 令人心疼
沒有一個人 非要另一個人
才能過一生
你又何苦逼自己 面對傷痕
我知道你很難過
感情的付出 不是真心就會有結果
別問怎麼做 愛才能長久
這道理有一天你會懂
我知道你很難過
昨天是戀人 今天說分手就分手
別問你的痛 要怎麼解脫
多情的人注定 傷得比較久
愛一個人 別太認真
你受傷的眼神 令人心疼
沒有一個人 非要另一個人
才能過一生
你又何苦逼自己 面對傷痕
我知道你很難過
感情的付出 不是真心就會有結果
別問怎麼做 愛才能長久
這道理有一天你會懂
我知道你很難過
昨天是戀人 今天說分手就分手
別問你的痛 要怎麼解脫
多情的人注定 傷得比較久
愛若變成了刺 思念也成了癡
也許心碎是愛情最美的樣子
我知道你很難過
感情的付出 不是真心就會有結果
別問怎麼做 愛才能長久
這道理有一天你會懂
我知道你很難過
昨天是戀人 今天說分手就分手
別問你的痛 要怎麼解脫
多情的人注定 傷得比較久
Friday, September 1, 2017
Nightfalls
Nightfalls.
Everything around me is quiet and dark.
My heart starts remembering what my mind is trying to forget.
I am getting tired of smiling.
Tired of pretending to be happy.
All I want to do is break down and cry.
I want to stop in my tracks and sit down and rest for a little while.
...just for a little while...
...been so tired...
I am just so tired...
cj
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
Missing you
I miss you,
with each breath I draw,
I miss you,
with every passing moment,
I miss you,
with each beat of my heart,
I miss you,
with every step I take,
I miss you,
with each word I speak,
I miss you,
with every thought I think,
I miss you.
Sometimes I would lie in darkness,
it is easier to pretend you are by my side,
sometimes I would not speak for days,
it is easier for me to pretend I was waiting for you to come home so I could tell you about my day,
at times I would be lost,
but I know if I make it through today,
I would be able to see you tomorrow,
other times I cannot make up my mind what to do,
so I would close my eyes and have a conversation with you in my head,
you were not always sensible,
but you were always my sense of direction,
it may not always seem we have a future,
but you are always my tomorrow,
you may think you know the reason for my loving you,
but I never needed any reason,
from the moment I met you,
I love you.
~CJ
Sunday, June 11, 2017
One Day One Step
Weight: 75.9kg
Well.. I finally got started in Certis Cisco as an Auxiliary Police Officer.
Starting something new at this age is not that difficult. I have always been quick at learning and picking up new skills.
This platform is not appropriate to discuss my personal views on my new job. If you want to know, ask me.
Looking back, I have been living alone for slightly over half a year. It has not been an easy start for my new life, but nothing is easy when we begin. I guess things will slowly get sorted out one issue at a time, and when that happens, I am sure everything will find its place.
For now, somedays I win the mental fight, somedays I am still losing. The Cisco Academy is overcrowded with trainees and they have ran out of barrack space. Even then, as my appointment currently do not require me to stay in, there are days when I wish I could have. Then I would not have to eat alone and sleep alone.
My shoulders have been killing me. Perhaps its my age, but I have feeling it was due to my change in eating habits. I do not eat as much as before and I have increased my workout regiment as much as my work and rest schedule allows me. I have come to depend heavily on panadol, anorexia and zyanals whenever I can lay my hands on them. NSAIDS are hard to come by without prescriptions so I have to depend on the generosity of friends who have extras. *SMILES
PA came through and have asked for a final session briefing on the evening of 22 June before signing the LOA for 3 years as a PA Trainer. I guess once I can sort out my work and rest schedule, I have to regulate my workouts and keep myself busy. I have to, so I can remain sane.
Martial Arts and Fitness training will always be my passion as is my plan on taking up Physiotherapy as my twilight career after finishing my stint with Cisco.
I have seen and learnt a lot from attending training classes. Learnt enough to know that everything must have a systematic approach when it comes to learning and experience. I will put that to good use when it involves my passions and approach to life.
This is just another boring rant and e-diary update on my state of life so far. Too much of these in recent posts and nothing really meaningful. I promise myself to get back into the swing of things soon.
Until then, thought of the day. Middle snap front kick; Chudan Mae Geri, it is without exception, one of the most effect technique, sports and street.
~CJ
Well.. I finally got started in Certis Cisco as an Auxiliary Police Officer.
Starting something new at this age is not that difficult. I have always been quick at learning and picking up new skills.
This platform is not appropriate to discuss my personal views on my new job. If you want to know, ask me.
Looking back, I have been living alone for slightly over half a year. It has not been an easy start for my new life, but nothing is easy when we begin. I guess things will slowly get sorted out one issue at a time, and when that happens, I am sure everything will find its place.
For now, somedays I win the mental fight, somedays I am still losing. The Cisco Academy is overcrowded with trainees and they have ran out of barrack space. Even then, as my appointment currently do not require me to stay in, there are days when I wish I could have. Then I would not have to eat alone and sleep alone.
My shoulders have been killing me. Perhaps its my age, but I have feeling it was due to my change in eating habits. I do not eat as much as before and I have increased my workout regiment as much as my work and rest schedule allows me. I have come to depend heavily on panadol, anorexia and zyanals whenever I can lay my hands on them. NSAIDS are hard to come by without prescriptions so I have to depend on the generosity of friends who have extras. *SMILES
PA came through and have asked for a final session briefing on the evening of 22 June before signing the LOA for 3 years as a PA Trainer. I guess once I can sort out my work and rest schedule, I have to regulate my workouts and keep myself busy. I have to, so I can remain sane.
Martial Arts and Fitness training will always be my passion as is my plan on taking up Physiotherapy as my twilight career after finishing my stint with Cisco.
I have seen and learnt a lot from attending training classes. Learnt enough to know that everything must have a systematic approach when it comes to learning and experience. I will put that to good use when it involves my passions and approach to life.
This is just another boring rant and e-diary update on my state of life so far. Too much of these in recent posts and nothing really meaningful. I promise myself to get back into the swing of things soon.
Until then, thought of the day. Middle snap front kick; Chudan Mae Geri, it is without exception, one of the most effect technique, sports and street.
~CJ
Monday, April 17, 2017
It has been a long journey...
Weight: 78.6kg
BMI: 27.8
So its been a long journey to come to where I am. Tiring but more needs to be done. When I say what needs to be done, I mean maintenance. Getting here is one thing, of course I would love to drop my weight even further but improve my lean muscle mass to a good ratio.
But I am keenly and painfully aware of age and time. However, that being said, I never really believed in "cannot"s and "impossible"s. Seeing how I came from 121Kg+ to current weight in under a year, I love proving people's theories wrong.
Along the way, there are a whole lot of naysayers and friends who were skeptical about my efforts, however, everyone walks their own path, and we all reap what we sow.
Looking back, I wish I had started this much much earlier, but I guess I have been complacent in my life. I took things for granted. Just like stacked dominoes, it started with one piece falling, then everything else went to hell. It have been a shitty 2016... but as with every aftermath of disaster, rebuilding starts.
I am going to have to rebuild my life. Smarter, and wiser. More pragmatic in approach but actions speak louder than words. Do, not just say. Listen, not just judge. The road ahead will only get more difficult, but I am confident I am able to pull through.
A friend wisely advised, "Tough situations never last, tough people do."
I bought it hook, line and sinker. You should too, because at the end of every day, its another new one. Somedays we win the fight, somedays we lose, but hey, its okay, nobody wins all the time, losing just makes winner that much sweeter :)
Rocky Balboa said this in a movie, "Let me tell you something you already know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That is how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then get out there and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be because of him or her or anybody! Coward do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!.."
Here.. let the man say it himself...
https://youtu.be/mk82j1jQw_8?t=1m1s
I can feel what he meant. Life mimics movies, movies mimics life.
Life is like a movie, soon the movie will be over. What happens after the show? :)
~CJ
BMI: 27.8
So its been a long journey to come to where I am. Tiring but more needs to be done. When I say what needs to be done, I mean maintenance. Getting here is one thing, of course I would love to drop my weight even further but improve my lean muscle mass to a good ratio.
But I am keenly and painfully aware of age and time. However, that being said, I never really believed in "cannot"s and "impossible"s. Seeing how I came from 121Kg+ to current weight in under a year, I love proving people's theories wrong.
Along the way, there are a whole lot of naysayers and friends who were skeptical about my efforts, however, everyone walks their own path, and we all reap what we sow.
Looking back, I wish I had started this much much earlier, but I guess I have been complacent in my life. I took things for granted. Just like stacked dominoes, it started with one piece falling, then everything else went to hell. It have been a shitty 2016... but as with every aftermath of disaster, rebuilding starts.
I am going to have to rebuild my life. Smarter, and wiser. More pragmatic in approach but actions speak louder than words. Do, not just say. Listen, not just judge. The road ahead will only get more difficult, but I am confident I am able to pull through.
A friend wisely advised, "Tough situations never last, tough people do."
I bought it hook, line and sinker. You should too, because at the end of every day, its another new one. Somedays we win the fight, somedays we lose, but hey, its okay, nobody wins all the time, losing just makes winner that much sweeter :)
Rocky Balboa said this in a movie, "Let me tell you something you already know, the world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That is how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth, then get out there and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you want to be because of him or her or anybody! Coward do that and that ain't you! You're better than that!.."
Here.. let the man say it himself...
https://youtu.be/mk82j1jQw_8?t=1m1s
I can feel what he meant. Life mimics movies, movies mimics life.
Life is like a movie, soon the movie will be over. What happens after the show? :)
~CJ
Monday, April 3, 2017
2017 2XU Compression Run 21.1km
2 April 2017 4.40am
I did my virgin 21.1km half marathon in 2hr 31mins.
Yes! I guess there will always be a first for everything even at my age.
I have done many firsts in my life in a short span of one year, and I would like to do more.
A bucketlist would be too much to ask for me at this point in time but I guess making a list of FIRSTS would be fun! I can always decide if that would be a solo, buddy or even a group ad hoc type of adventure.
Next on my list, getting back on track with my career at mid-life!
😋
~CJ out
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
Pain
I wish I can go back in time.
I wish I have a choice to choose it all again.
I will never ever want to cross path with you.
Not because I regret.
But because I cannot forgive myself for all that I have done.
Somedays I will wake up in the middle of the night but I refuse to open my eyes. I keep asking myself is the nightmare over? If I reach across, would I find you there next to me like always?
Then I would convince myself it was a horrible dream. I have learnt my lesson. Tomorrow...
In the morning...
I will open my eyes and my family will be there...
Then I will tell you all about the horrible fear and hurt I felt in my nightmare. You will say I am being silly. Everything will be alright...
How does a person ever stop feeling regret and sadness?
When does it stop?
How does it stop?
There are many times I want to just close my eyes and never open them again. Darkness is like a cinema...I replay my memories over and over.
There...
inside my head, I am home with my family again...
Pam, Lauren, Eirian and Misty.
Tuesday, February 14, 2017
Lost my way
I dream of them everyday...
I miss my mother
I miss Pam
I miss Lauren
I miss Eirian
I miss me
Every night I would lie awake, in the the darkness. That's when they come you know, the demons. They won't leave me alone. I can spend an entire day without uttering a single word to anyone because I want to stay in my room, away from people. Noise irritates me now. I think they are looking at me with very funny looks, sometimes I think they are talking about me when I am not looking..
Ah, they think I am not looking but I know. Spacial awareness.. zanshin. I am aware. Let them whisper all they want. I think they know about my situation. They are probably laughing at me behind my back. Ha! Let them laugh.. I am catching up with lost time researching katate and martial arts.
Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up, I will not even know it cos my room would be in darkness. Actually I like to stay there in the dark. It is quite comforting not having to see the small confines of my world. Nothing with my small squalid little living space now except, I am alone. I don't hear my kids talking and fighting with each other as they used to, my cat usually would come stick its stinky ass in my face. I miss Eddy. I miss grumbling and just talking to Pam about everything. Sometimes, I would wake up crying.
Just the other night, I dreamt our.family was walking in some park, and she held my hand. Its been so long since I missed holding her hands. 22 years. I calculated it to be almost 9000+ days... its a long time. I used to have nightmares in the past, but everytime I wake up I would reach to my right and she will always be there. .. and I would say to myself, Oh a nightmare, phew.
Will I wake up soon and reach over to find out all this have been an awful and long nightmare.. just a bad dream. She will wake up later and I will be telling her this bad dream. I miss holding her to sleep every night.
We even have a family anthem you know? Starship's Nothing's gonna stop us now.
I had a lot to think about these past 1 year. I know where I went wrong now. I can fix this. Give me my family back. I know I can fix everything
All I need is a chance to rectify. I can fix this. My mother, Pam, my kids, my cat.
I will give up my karate in exchange for my family. Karate never failed me
But I failed my family.
I miss my mother
I miss Pam
I miss Lauren
I miss Eirian
I miss me
Every night I would lie awake, in the the darkness. That's when they come you know, the demons. They won't leave me alone. I can spend an entire day without uttering a single word to anyone because I want to stay in my room, away from people. Noise irritates me now. I think they are looking at me with very funny looks, sometimes I think they are talking about me when I am not looking..
Ah, they think I am not looking but I know. Spacial awareness.. zanshin. I am aware. Let them whisper all they want. I think they know about my situation. They are probably laughing at me behind my back. Ha! Let them laugh.. I am catching up with lost time researching katate and martial arts.
Sometimes in the mornings when I wake up, I will not even know it cos my room would be in darkness. Actually I like to stay there in the dark. It is quite comforting not having to see the small confines of my world. Nothing with my small squalid little living space now except, I am alone. I don't hear my kids talking and fighting with each other as they used to, my cat usually would come stick its stinky ass in my face. I miss Eddy. I miss grumbling and just talking to Pam about everything. Sometimes, I would wake up crying.
Just the other night, I dreamt our.family was walking in some park, and she held my hand. Its been so long since I missed holding her hands. 22 years. I calculated it to be almost 9000+ days... its a long time. I used to have nightmares in the past, but everytime I wake up I would reach to my right and she will always be there. .. and I would say to myself, Oh a nightmare, phew.
Will I wake up soon and reach over to find out all this have been an awful and long nightmare.. just a bad dream. She will wake up later and I will be telling her this bad dream. I miss holding her to sleep every night.
We even have a family anthem you know? Starship's Nothing's gonna stop us now.
I had a lot to think about these past 1 year. I know where I went wrong now. I can fix this. Give me my family back. I know I can fix everything
All I need is a chance to rectify. I can fix this. My mother, Pam, my kids, my cat.
I will give up my karate in exchange for my family. Karate never failed me
But I failed my family.
Friday, January 6, 2017
5th Day into 2017
Weight: 88.9kg
Its been an interesting 2016. With so many things happening, I am surprise I am still standing. Well, good news is, as you can see, my weight loss journey has come a full circle with me losing about 35kg to be within 2 kg or my target weight of 86kg.
I went from a size 44 to a size 34. GASP. That is something I did not imagine will ever happen again.
I'm baaaaack.
CJ
Its been an interesting 2016. With so many things happening, I am surprise I am still standing. Well, good news is, as you can see, my weight loss journey has come a full circle with me losing about 35kg to be within 2 kg or my target weight of 86kg.
I went from a size 44 to a size 34. GASP. That is something I did not imagine will ever happen again.
I'm baaaaack.
CJ
Monday, December 26, 2016
Boxing Day Special
Weight loss progress so far: Very satisfactory
Current weight: 92.7kg
This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.
The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking. My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.
In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am... sigh
I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...
Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim.. the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him... that is.. until the demons return.
So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times... those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons. Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts.. just waiting for me to let my guard down.. I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.
~CJ
Current weight: 92.7kg
This christmas is one of my loneliest to say the least. I have never spent christmas alone until now. However, that being said, I still have my friends. They have rallied around me and I feel very blessed.
The fact remains that I am holed up in a tiny room, sharing living quarters with total strangers who have very little civil manners towards others. Doors slamming in the middle of the night, loud conversations, dirty toilets, unfriendly stares, inconsiderate littering and smoking. My entire 45 years of life summarised into 8 packing boxes and some dojo mats. I hate everything about this current arrangement. Things only gets worst when I have to turn the lights off if I want to get some decent shut eye. The demons come.
In the beginning I would lie awake in the dark crying myself until I get so tired, I sleep. Other nights, I would turn off the lights and lie down as early as 7pm and try to sleep my night away so I won't feel sorry for myself. Try as I might, I usually end up looking up at my tiny bedside clock to note that hours have passed and I am still awake at 1am... sigh
I know I am depressed. I tell myself that so I won't be in denial and fall into a mind trap. My friends have tried to help me to get out, I know the way out. However, I just cannot seem to walk myself out of it...
Mr Wong tells me not to worry, there are others in worst shape than I am. While I know that is true, I cannot help but feel sorry for myself. I don't tell people this but I feel disappointed with life. I feel disappointed with myself. I feel suicidal all the time. I want to feel better, I want to know I am in much better shape than I am feeling right now and things are not really as bad as they seem. But in my mind, when I am alone, when the lights are dim.. the voices tell me I am a failure, they call me names, they tell me I could have done better to have prevented this outcome. Mark says I am actually a brave man to be able to tell people my failings and try to learn from it to be a better man, he says it takes guts, and I almost believe him... that is.. until the demons return.
So much time have past throughout this year, and I cannot account for most part of it, I call them my dark times... those were the nights and days I spend alone in the dark with the demons. Maybe one day I can face them and recall my dark times, but I am afraid and I rather not. I wish the demons will not come back.. but I know they are waiting right at the fringe of my thoughts.. just waiting for me to let my guard down.. I don't think I can withstand anymore. I feel myself getting weak every time they visit me.
~CJ
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
200 Pounds Beauty...just like ME!!!!
Weight: 96.8
I think I have found my brand new idol... watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.
Angel....angel.... Annnngggeelllll.....
~CJ
I think I have found my brand new idol... watch and you will understand why Kim Ah Joong is now my favourite Korean singer/actress.
~CJ
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Update for November 2016
Weight: 97.3kg
Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.
Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.
Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg. It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month.. literally. I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace.. I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.
I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives.. let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.
Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round. Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)
I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?.. just a thought..
~CJ
Losing my last few kg to my target weight is horribly slow and painstaking. But at least I am within striking range.
Just wanted to update my blog on my progress on life.
Weightloss = good and on-going. I have lost quite a bit of weight from 123.1 to 97.3kg but I still have another 11 to go until I hit my target weight of 86kg. It would have been much faster and more successful if I wasn't beset by personal problems and that kinda stopped me dead in my tracks for quite a few month.. literally. I have started to surround myself with positive friends and started to cut off negative ones. I have also found closure in a few open-ended relationships from my past, at least now everyone has found some peace.. I can finally move forward the new chapters of my life.
I am trying to look for some meaningful employment since I will be moving away from Flyte Studio since my D. But my foolishness led me to not study in earnest back when I was younger, I am now regretting why I placed all my eggs in one basket. You see lan? After 22 years, STILL comes back to square one. At the end of the day, we have to be able to take care of ourselves before we even attempt to take care of ANYONE in our lives.. let this be a lesson for myself for the remaining of my life.
Hence I need to be fit and attractive in my own way, regardless if I am attached, single married or even if I am someone's father. I realise people are rather attracted to the physical THEn they will appreciate your inner beauty but not the other way round. Some lessons are better learnt even now rather than never, and better do it now, before I cannot do it anymore. :)
I did not get that condo place after all, so I will still have to look some more until I find a place I am comfortable with. Hey, maybe I can go travel long-term?.. just a thought..
~CJ
Sunday, September 11, 2016
11 September 2016
Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.
This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack. While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me.. my hands and feet felt cold.
I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts. The last time I felt like this was many... many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central... I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said.. boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.
My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :) Things don't usually turn out the way we planned.. sigh
I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years.. I am going to be alone.. again. 22 years. Sigh.
I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.
I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around. For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids. They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.
I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.
I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?
I was suicidal a while back.. that is not to say I don't feel that way now.. I still do, but that urge is coming less often now.. except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark...... especially when its dark. Thoughts start going through my head.. that is when I know I have to busy myself with something.. make myself tired.. cannot think.. sleep.. tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare.. then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.
*Crying again...
Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.
Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it. We can never have them back... only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.
Its been a long time... its been a long journey. I am tired. Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich.. I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away. They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.
The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves. Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.
I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own.. make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family.. even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.
Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed.. which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her.. lol. Funny yet sad at the same time. I need to shop for a sofa... I need to shop for internet wifi... I need a tv...
*crying again... sigh..
~CJ
Agent just got back to me that the landlord has accepted my offer to rent their apartment. Lease to start in Oct.
This 2 days, Pam and the girls are not around the house so I get some privacy and space to reflect and pack. While packing...a sudden sensation washed over me.. my hands and feet felt cold.
I remember this feeling well. These emotions are not healthy, yet, they represent freedom of sorts. The last time I felt like this was many... many years ago at Blk 123 Geylang East Central... I just stepped out of the shower and my mum surprised me with a smallish cake. She said.. boy ah, from now on, you are responsible for yourself already hor.. everything also your own signature, your own decision. Big boy already.
My mother has passed away since. I felt so alone when she moved on in March. I thought I still have family, its not so bad. My sister has her own family and affairs. I have mine :) Things don't usually turn out the way we planned.. sigh
I am divorced now and alone. The kids live with their mother. I am moving away in a few weeks. For the first time in 22 years.. I am going to be alone.. again. 22 years. Sigh.
I don't like being alone. I leave the lights off so everything will be dark, why bother with lighting right? I don't shower, why bother, no one will complain I smell, right? I don't change my clothing either, no point, its just for modesty sake and who is going to mind if I am alone in my house, right? I spend a little more money then I should by renting an entire apartment because I don't like company that is not my family. I don't like to be judged, I don't like people sharing spaces with me, I don't like people touching my stuff and I can get ego as and when I want to without faking being nice all the time.
I have a job and I have some savings. My CPF will be enough for me to buy a nice little 2 room flexi unit from HDB when my turns come around. For now, I gave the right to apply first to Pam and the kids. They are still my family mah. People don't want me does not mean I give up on them.
I can still love them from afar. I know this world is full of deceitful people and mostly insincere ones. NO ONE is ever fully on your side. EVER. No one will fully have your back either. The only people we can depend on, are those who love you. These days, it is difficult to find but not impossible.
I let Pam go because I want her to be happy. I hope she finds what she is looking for. My kids are affected by this, I know. but other than being strong for them and be there when they need me, what else can I do?
I was suicidal a while back.. that is not to say I don't feel that way now.. I still do, but that urge is coming less often now.. except when it is nighttime, everything is quiet and it is dark...... especially when its dark. Thoughts start going through my head.. that is when I know I have to busy myself with something.. make myself tired.. cannot think.. sleep.. tomorrow wake up to a brand new day.... maybe this will all be a really really seriously F* up nightmare.. then I am going to roll over and hug Pam like I always do and tell her things will be better today.
*Crying again...
Not good to always be crying, I am a man you know. So sad hor.
Sometimes we lose things we really really love in life because we don't know how to treasure them when we have it. We can never have them back... only hope that we learn our lesson now and will not repeat them again.
Its been a long time... its been a long journey. I am tired. Maybe this is a good wakeup call for me. I have been given another chance to contribute to the world.I have been too selfish.. always head in the sand like an ostrich.. I thought if I focus on the things that matter most in life, everything else will go away. They don't. The phrase, if you don't go looking for trouble, one day, trouble will come looking for you.
The only thoughts stopping me from resetting my miserable life is that Pam and the girls still need me to be around for them, even if they don't know it yet. Maybe they do, maybe they don't. I seriously hope they won't need me, means they have done good for themselves. Until then, I need to believe they do, and they will, so I can keep myself engaged and ready.
I feel sorry for myself. And I am seriously afraid. I have always done things together. Now I have to strike out on my own.. make decisions... plan carefully because there will be no one to look out for me, but myself. If I screw up, I am screwed. But for my family.. even if I die, they need me, I will rise from my grave for them. *nod. Yes I will.
Sooooo, the new apartment is partially furnished. Which means I need to shop for a bed.. which I am not sure how to do anymore without Pam's input. I keep asking her, and I know she is pissed with me keep asking her.. lol. Funny yet sad at the same time. I need to shop for a sofa... I need to shop for internet wifi... I need a tv...
*crying again... sigh..
~CJ
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Support is now needed more than ever!
I need help! Seriously.
Sigh.
Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.
Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.
On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply. I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.
I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.
I set up this page:
paypal.me/ChongJin
Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money.. how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol.. now that would be a thought.
Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years.... sigh.
We'll see... we'll see.
Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness. Until then...
~CJ
Sigh.
Mentally I am in a constant state of confusion. No motivation, no sense of direction.
Worst still is now I am being asked to move out. Yes. Sad fact of life is that, once the divorce papers are signed, we are living separate lives.
On top of being poor in emotions, finances now becomes a scarcity. Money is now in short, short supply. I have to move out soon and how am I going to finance myself during this period of separation.
I was actually quite sucidal for a while but ok enough of these talks. These days I have to be more positive and look ahead.
I set up this page:
paypal.me/ChongJin
Its kind of like an online payment through paypal that I had for a while. I just stumbled across this feature which allows people to send me money.. how? I really don't know. Anyhow, I might just use this page and setup a "Save CJ from Destitute Fund" lol.. now that would be a thought.
Maybe some rich sympathetic person out in the great wide world might spare me a little money to move on and ease the pain of being out on my own again after giving my family everything for the past 17 years.... sigh.
We'll see... we'll see.
Just a life update.So one day when I look back on this day, I would hopefully be able to laugh at it and see the foolishness of my despair and sadness. Until then...
~CJ
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
New Journey Begins
This entry is not about weight, health nor achievement.
This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.
I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.
I am single again.
After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4.. I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.
No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done... all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.
Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them. Be brave. Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.
Time for a new chapter.
Here we go.
*wry smile.
CJ
This entry is to record the end of a journey and start of a new one.
I got divorced and the kids are with Pam.
I am single again.
After so many years of planning, and setting goals for 4.. I am now back to square one. Planning and setting goals for one.
No point in looking back and blaming. Water under the bridge now. Who was right, who was wrong, what might have been, what could have been done... all that came to naught when the signatures were put to paper in the lawyer's office.
Look ahead, so we won't stumble again. Remember past lessons so we will not be doomed to repeat them. Be brave. Cry. Let it bleed. Let it hurt. Let it out. Let it go.
Time for a new chapter.
Here we go.
*wry smile.
CJ
Thursday, July 14, 2016
9th Day of Rest
Weight: 101.4kg
(almost there....)
On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:
Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!
Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime. However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.
Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.
WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)
SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)
My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty. We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey.. and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.
I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.
If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai?
I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt.
My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind.. but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now.. just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.
I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised. You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence. It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.
We often missed out on the most important lesson.. it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.
Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?
I digress...
When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.
It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?
4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai.. but it turns out my leg had other ideas... sigh. So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts.... siiigghhh...
~CJ
(almost there....)
On the 9th Day of Rest my body brings to me:
Karate in the 2020 Tokyo Olympics!
Finally... I thought I will never see the light of day. Karate in the Olympics in my lifetime. However, with the advent of the possibility of the big O dream.. also come the desire to control, the power to choose who goes. Politics is inevitable in everything. I hate politics in karate.
Here is a prime example of how karate how degenerated into petty quarrels and squabbles. And that is so similar to our local karate scene.
WKF (World Karate Federation) vs UWK (United World Karate)
SKF (Singapore Karate Federation vs KUS (Karate Union of Singapore)
My loyalties are very clear from day one I started karate. I know honour, compassion, perseverance and loyalty. We honour our parents just as we honour our teachers. However as years passed, I saw the lines turn from black and white to shades of grey.. and now, I have no idea where boundaries are drawn anymore.
I refused to believe that we are an outcast in karate in Singapore just because we have different ideals of what karate means. I was opposed to the idea that a separate organisation has to be formed to reinforce our own believes in those ideals. I think we all have the same passion for karate. All the same love. Some believe in the self-defence aspect, some believe in the character building, some just love the exercise... others became obsessed.
If we practise what we believe, you will come to realise that one day, all these bickering and political plays will came to naught because we will cease to exist. What do we leave behind for our kohai?
I know what I will be leaving behind. When I pass on, I have strict instructions for my daughters to preserve my karate black belt.
My kuro obi. Not just any black belt, not the expensive silk kind.. but the humble black cotton hand-sewn named one that was handed to me by my teacher. It has the name of my karate style on one side, and my chinese name on the other. It looks old and tired now.. just like I am. It is badly frayed from years countless tying and untying.. sometimes we use it.. no we used it a LOT for resistance training and for knowing of our dogi when we fold them up. You can even see it was a lot of white cloth showing under the black black so much so, if you do not look carefully, you might mistaken it for a greyish dirty white belt.
I hold it my hand, it feels light. Yet it feels heavy at the same time. It has been washed many many many times.. yet it looks worn and used and dirty, but it is not dirty, and despite its look, the belt feels strangely energised. You can tell it has stories if it has a mouth, yet as I hold it, it feels me with confidence. It has been my constant companion in my humble study of the art of karate-do. It does not just denote my level of study or what competence level I am at... it is simply there to hold my dogi in place.
We often missed out on the most important lesson.. it makes us egotistical yet it is the same item which is the most humble.. the kuro obi.
Black belt means I am good at a martial art. Usually that is how it goes. But that same belt is nothing but an item that holds your dogi in place. So does an orange belt, so does a white belt. So does that mean you are no longer good at karate if your black belt is in the wash and you have to wear a white belt for that day?
I digress...
When I die, I leave behind my legacy, that I once was a humble student of an art called karate and it taught me no matter what you do while you lived... in the end, we all get defeated and die. So it is how we live.. how we wore our belt.. with pride... with humility.
It was never my place to comment on the politics that are in play.. and I am not going to start. But, what are we leaving behind for our next karate generation?
4pm: I made a trip to Evolve and tried to continue training Muay Thai.. but it turns out my leg had other ideas... sigh. So back I limped... and looks like another few days of non martial arts.... siiigghhh...
~CJ
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
8 Long Days of Rest
Weight: 101.8kg
Condition: Tired, Stomach cramps, muscle aches, dehydrated
On the 1st day (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
An old injury involving my right calf. It seized up during my warmup on Tuesday after I was looking forward to a hard workout so I can rest on the following Wednesday which was Hari Raya New Year day... but, to my dismay I have to pull out of muay thai class almost 5 mins into warmups. Sigh.. the problems of being old with injuries.
On the 2nd day (Wednesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
More signs of muscle fatigue as I continue to stretch my workout muscles in my calf in preparation that I return to fitness and training the following day or maybe even Friday.. but no lor. Sigh.. It is cold and sore.. a sign of over-training. It must have been the Sunday I went hiking with Lauren over 12.3km from our home in Joo Chiat all the way to East Coast then from there to Stadium. It was quite a walk but I loved every minute of it. It would have been even better if the entire family could have done it together.. soon I hope :) Fingers crossed.
On the 3rd day (Thursday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Same trouble with the leg so no training but I gave it a good workout in terms of stretching (v. important) and of course food intake.. yumms. Did my usual workout with my upper body and abs.. hope it will compensate for my lack of cardio.Sigh.. always happens during my crucial stages whereby I need to up my game.
On the 4th day (Friday) of Rest my body gave to me:
My two kids down with stomach flu. In fact Lauren already kena yesterday but I had to bring her to the doctor and got turned away because it was just past consultation hours.. (Bad daddy.. Badddd daddy).
My youngest one followed suit with bouts of throwing up and tummy aches as well.. no choice.. DOCTORS AT A&E KK Hospital for Children. Sigh.. 4.5 hours of wait.. in the end everyone was exhausted.. Luckily nothing big just lots of medicine for everyone~!~
On the 5th day (Saturday) of Rest my body gave to me:
A nice rest day with Pam and kids as we were both up till 6am this morning due to KK's A&E visit. My body is recovering nicely and hopefully Sunday would be a good day to kick start my new routine :)
On the 6th day (Sunday) of Rest my body gave to me:
A fever, stomach cramps and body aches. Sigh. I guess all that late nights, stress and visiting places with germs finally caught up with me and Pam. We both fell ill and Pam got the worst of it by having fever on top of everything else. Guess today's run is off and err.. Monday is a sick day liao?..
On the 7th day (Monday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Yeps! I was right :( Body aches all over. Grrrr.. Rule of thumb I don't train on the day I feel under the weather and the following day as well, due to cardio concerns. I have see, heard, witnessed too many cases where people who are unwell pushed too hard and well, fit as they are.. I am alive and they are not. God rests their souls. :( Some of them are my friends. :((((
Pam had a really bad fever spike this evening after her SGH class then Zumba class.. she pushed too hard. This wife of mine is a workaholic. Love her la. Almost had a heart attack when we found her shivering and spiking a 40 degree temp. Rushed with the entire family down to SGH A&E.. and after almost 6 hours there.. (the girls gave up waiting after 4 hours.. well done kids!) we all arrived safely home and Pam is duly rested.
I managed to convince Pam to rest and closed the studio for 2 days under the reason of quarantine. I do not want to spread the this virus to the rest of the people working out here. Unless I want a pending lawsuit... better safe than sorry. Right?
On the 8th day of (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Here I am typing into my blog for the record of all the past 8 days of so called rests and eventful events plus a lot of exciting happenings which did not make it to this blog.. Hopefully it will never make it here... but you never know! Everyone seems rested.. the fever have all but subsided.. I managed to sweat it out this morning and resumed my weights training.. hopefully I make it through tomorrow without any incident AND then maybe I can finally resume my exercise and training regime. Oh and I also happened to meet Sensei Mark Wang. He is a legend in the circle of karate. I will blog about him at a later date about how he influenced my karate training.
9th day (Wednesday) of Rest calls......
~CJ
Condition: Tired, Stomach cramps, muscle aches, dehydrated
On the 1st day (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
An old injury involving my right calf. It seized up during my warmup on Tuesday after I was looking forward to a hard workout so I can rest on the following Wednesday which was Hari Raya New Year day... but, to my dismay I have to pull out of muay thai class almost 5 mins into warmups. Sigh.. the problems of being old with injuries.
On the 2nd day (Wednesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
More signs of muscle fatigue as I continue to stretch my workout muscles in my calf in preparation that I return to fitness and training the following day or maybe even Friday.. but no lor. Sigh.. It is cold and sore.. a sign of over-training. It must have been the Sunday I went hiking with Lauren over 12.3km from our home in Joo Chiat all the way to East Coast then from there to Stadium. It was quite a walk but I loved every minute of it. It would have been even better if the entire family could have done it together.. soon I hope :) Fingers crossed.
On the 3rd day (Thursday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Same trouble with the leg so no training but I gave it a good workout in terms of stretching (v. important) and of course food intake.. yumms. Did my usual workout with my upper body and abs.. hope it will compensate for my lack of cardio.Sigh.. always happens during my crucial stages whereby I need to up my game.
On the 4th day (Friday) of Rest my body gave to me:
My two kids down with stomach flu. In fact Lauren already kena yesterday but I had to bring her to the doctor and got turned away because it was just past consultation hours.. (Bad daddy.. Badddd daddy).
My youngest one followed suit with bouts of throwing up and tummy aches as well.. no choice.. DOCTORS AT A&E KK Hospital for Children. Sigh.. 4.5 hours of wait.. in the end everyone was exhausted.. Luckily nothing big just lots of medicine for everyone~!~
On the 5th day (Saturday) of Rest my body gave to me:
A nice rest day with Pam and kids as we were both up till 6am this morning due to KK's A&E visit. My body is recovering nicely and hopefully Sunday would be a good day to kick start my new routine :)
On the 6th day (Sunday) of Rest my body gave to me:
A fever, stomach cramps and body aches. Sigh. I guess all that late nights, stress and visiting places with germs finally caught up with me and Pam. We both fell ill and Pam got the worst of it by having fever on top of everything else. Guess today's run is off and err.. Monday is a sick day liao?..
On the 7th day (Monday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Yeps! I was right :( Body aches all over. Grrrr.. Rule of thumb I don't train on the day I feel under the weather and the following day as well, due to cardio concerns. I have see, heard, witnessed too many cases where people who are unwell pushed too hard and well, fit as they are.. I am alive and they are not. God rests their souls. :( Some of them are my friends. :((((
Pam had a really bad fever spike this evening after her SGH class then Zumba class.. she pushed too hard. This wife of mine is a workaholic. Love her la. Almost had a heart attack when we found her shivering and spiking a 40 degree temp. Rushed with the entire family down to SGH A&E.. and after almost 6 hours there.. (the girls gave up waiting after 4 hours.. well done kids!) we all arrived safely home and Pam is duly rested.
I managed to convince Pam to rest and closed the studio for 2 days under the reason of quarantine. I do not want to spread the this virus to the rest of the people working out here. Unless I want a pending lawsuit... better safe than sorry. Right?
On the 8th day of (Tuesday) of Rest my body gave to me:
Here I am typing into my blog for the record of all the past 8 days of so called rests and eventful events plus a lot of exciting happenings which did not make it to this blog.. Hopefully it will never make it here... but you never know! Everyone seems rested.. the fever have all but subsided.. I managed to sweat it out this morning and resumed my weights training.. hopefully I make it through tomorrow without any incident AND then maybe I can finally resume my exercise and training regime. Oh and I also happened to meet Sensei Mark Wang. He is a legend in the circle of karate. I will blog about him at a later date about how he influenced my karate training.
9th day (Wednesday) of Rest calls......
~CJ
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